8/25/09

Hey, Isn't That....? #3: Lousy Opening Shots

We all gotta start somewhere, I guess, but it's still fun to catch big name celebs of today in trash from yesteryear. I just watched the film Cutting Class (1989), a movie that achieves levels of awfullness I never thought possible - yet, it starred Brad Pitt, so I watched. I haven't seen Kevin Costner's early film (after being the corpse in The Big Chill) Sizzle Beach U.S.A., but I'm pretty sure it will be just as lousy as Pitt's debut.

As my mind wandered while watching the brain numbing Cutting Class, I began to wonder what actor has the absolute worst debut. Is there an actor with an early film so awful, it makes Cutting Class look like Citizen Kane? I hereby submit that this honor shall go to Vincent D'Onofrio.

The First Turn-On (1983) is so soul crushingly awful, it had me questioning the very existence of God... for no just and good Creator would allow such a thing to exist. Here's my ontological argument:

1. God is something of which nothing greater can be thought.
2. Man clearly and distinctly perceives that necessary existence is contained in the idea of God
3. The First Turn-On was made
4. Therefore, God does not exist

I think D'Onofrio's character is supposed to be retarded, but the rest of the cast is so incredibly stupid, I'm not quite certain. Anyway, D'Onofrio redeamed himself in 1987 as "Thor" in Adventures in Babysitting and Private Pyle in Full Metal Jacket that same year. (BTW- D'Onofrio was supposed to play alongside Anthony Michael Hall in Full Metal Jacket, but Hall acted like such a putz on the set that Kubrick replaced him with Matthew Modine.)

Anyway, if you think you can come up with a better example of a lousy debut (or even just an early film) than D'Onofrio, put it in a comment, I'd be interested to hear!

16 comments:

  1. You watched it so we don't have to. Thanks.

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  2. You watched it so we don't have to. Thanks.

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  4. That sounds pretty bad. Not sure I can top it, actually. And yeah, I blog about Cutting Class at one time, too. HOT DAMN that's a bad movie...

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  5. I'm totally down with the blonde in back. In fact at first I thought she was Claire Danes!

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  6. Ummmm...Sylvester Stallone in "Party at Kitty and Studs". From a porno to Rocky.

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  7. Haven't seen SLUMBER PARTY 57 or Party at Kitty and Studs, but they sound bad enough to be contenders.

    Was Jude Law's first film Existenz? That was freaking awful.

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  8. Has no one mentioned Hercules in New York because it's already widely known, or because no one considers Arnold Schwarzenegger a serious actor?

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  9. Oh, and speaking of actors with hard-to-spell names, Renee Zellweger's first theatrical film was My Boyfriend's Back, a classic boy meets girl, boy gets killed, boy comes back as zombie, boy gets girl film. No, really. Bet she doesn't put that one on her resume, these days.

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  10. My Boyfriend's Back sounds horrible! I've seen Hercules in New York and it was indeed a piece of crap.

    Anyone seen The Burning, an 80's slasher movie starring Jason Alexander? It's been a while, but I remember it being pretty bad.

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  11. Your exquisite ontological proof would make Anselm himself proud.

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  12. I never saw this film, but remember seeing the box sitting on the shelf of the local video store all the time. I seem to remember the box having a drawing of the center characters from the above poster and it looked like the guy was really shoving that hot dog intoher mouth. It was actually kind of creepy.

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  13. It is always a blast to see the early films of stars. Many of them did films they would rather forget and they hope we never see.

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  15. My friends and I watched this when it first came out on video @ 88 or 89 . We loved it !! It was a classic good/bad movie up there with Toxic Avenger! The best line Vincent has in the movie , was when he was about to start the circle jerk,"hey guys stop the jokin' and start the strokin' !"
    it was an often repeated line in my circles and oddly enough I haven't heard him say it in any law and order shows yet !

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  16. Tom Hanks in HE KNOWS YOU'RE ALONE or John Travolta in THE DEVIL'S RAIN spring to mind.

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