10/5/09

Vintage Reads #2: How to Become a Sensuous Witch (and other odd cookbooks)

Okay, all you Oprah Retrospace Book Club Members, time for another assignment.  How to Become a Sensuous Witch (1971) will be your reading assignment for October.  Don't let the sexy cover fool you - this one's all business.

Much of the book is, not surprisingly, a bunch of love spells. You can skip this section. The amount of effort required to find shit like "scarlet thread", "a buckthorn sprig" and "cider aged past seven days" is not even worth it.  I mean, who wants to "fast until the crescent moon is full"? And where am I going to find "good metal loosed from a horse's hoof"? Last time I checked, Publix didn't sell "John the Conquerer root".

Screw all that. Ladies, I recommend a Barry White album and some Schnapps. And for the guys, if you want love advice, look no further than Mike Damone in Fast Times at Ridgmont High. I know you remember...

1. Never let on how much you like a girl.
2. You always call the shots.
3. Act like wherever you are, that's the place to be.
4. When ordering food, you find out what she wants, then order for the both of you. It's a classy move.
5. When it comes to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.

The rest of the Sensuous Witch is basically no more than a cookbook. However, don't expect recipes for things like hashbrown casserole or peanut butter pie in this book. Instead, you'll get recipes for "Salem Sausage" and "Scallops Satan".  Yeah, that'll really keep him coming back for more. 
To the would-be "sensuous witches" out there, I recommend you put the "Salem Sausage" in the freezer and order a meat lovers pizza.  Don't forget to tell him to bring some beer on the way over.

.... What's that you say? Sounds like a lousy book with lousy recipes? Not a problem.  Sticking with the sensuous cookbook theme, Oprah Retrospace Book Club Members can choose an alternate sensous cookbook selection...





Deighton is famous for his swinging sixties spy novels, particularly The IPCRESS File.  Deighton also was a big time culinary enthusiast and wrote what is probably the manliest shagadelic cookbook in history.  Pussy Galore would approve.

Got a hankering for some "Whores d’Oeuvres"? Craving a "Hot Bitch in a Blanket"? I recommend Fanny Hill's Cook Book (1970) which contains these recipes and more.


The name Liberace is synonimous with down home cooking. Sure, it's not sensuous, but the man had SEVEN dining rooms in his mansion - so you know there had to be some good food served up in the Liberace crib!


And last but not least, put those Sensuous Witch recipes back on the shelf. Do you really wanna make things happen? For a sure thing, I recommend George Benson's world famous Giblet Gravy....mmmmmMMMM!




[A couple sources: The Sexy Witch and Trunk Records]

5 comments:

  1. Abragail and Valaria? Really? REALLY? And the less thought about what that "sensuous witch" (I bet it's Abragail, the slut) is about to do with that candle the better.

    That Fanny Hill chick is freaking me out. How can she keep her neck straight with that pile of hair on her head! And shouldn't that cook

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  2. It seems to that in Fast Times he said to put LZ IV on side one, but when you hear the music it's side two. Is that subtext showing how clueless the guy is, or just a screw up of the film music guy?

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  3. If I remember correctly, the music is from "Physical Graffitti", not LZIV. I heard that the rights to LZIV were too expensive, so they went with a cheaper Zeppelin album.

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  4. Frank - I'm not sure I'd want what Fanny is dishing up - having a naked whore in the kitchen just doesn't seem too sanitary.

    Retrohound- I wonder. Cameron Crowe wrote it - and he was a journalist who toured with Led Zep. So, he'd know... however, he wasn't the director, and might've slipped by him.

    Madpuppy - I think you're right. I seem to remember Kashmir being played. Hmmmmm...

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  5. I don't know if that's Abagail or Valaria, but she's actually kind of hot. Maybe it's just me?

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