Vintage Scares #8: The Retrospace Guide to Getting Killed in a Horror Movie

If you're in a horror movie and want to get killed, here's some helpful tips for getting whacked. Along with each tip is your odds of survival.  Good luck!

1. When you've shot or stabbed the bad guy, drop your weapon.  Then, either slump in the corner crying or go check to make sure he's dead. 30%

2. Do drugs, have sex, or drink alcohol. 8%

3. When bodies start to pile up, the best thing to do is split up into easier targets. 12%

4. Go for a swim, 10%.... or even better, skinny dip. 0%

5. Follow the instructions of the police when they tell you to either "stay right there" or that "it's only in your imagination". 15%

6. Say the words "I'll be right back". 5%

7. Find a book about demon summoning or opening a portal to hell, then read it out loud. 17%

8. Not be the main character.  23%

9. When being chased by a killer, run wildly into the woods rather than head to a populated area. 11%

10. Stand in front of a window with your back to it, especially if it's dark or raining. 15%

11. Stand in front of a mirror. Be patient.... he'll come. 3%

12. When house hunting, look for an old one that (a) has a history of murder or (b) is built on an ancient burial ground.  19%

13. Go check the basement or a darkened room. 4%

14. Drive an unreliable car at night on a deserted road. 5%

15. If someone dares you to do something, do it.  0%

16. Take a bath or shower. 50%

17. Rule of thumb when stopping for the night: always choose the remote farmhouse or quaint rural motel over the Holiday Inn. 20%

18. If you lose something, always go back for it. 14%

19. Go see a fortune teller. There's a chance she may tell you that you're going to die; if so, your odds of survival equal 0%
20. If you're camping and have to use the bathroom at night - be sure to walk at least 2 miles from the campsite. 1%

 Note: Another precausion you can take to lessen your survival chances is to never change the batteries in your flashlight, that way it will be more likely to go dead while searching a basement or the woods.  Also, be sure to have at least 30 keys on your keychain, that way you are sure to fumble madly looking for the ignition key when being pursued.

If you have any more ways to get killed in a horror movie, please share in the comments!


  1. Those were so awesome. I totally agree with you on them. I'll have to see if I can think of any others. It's always funny to see the ridiculous things that people do in horror movies.

  2. I think you may have covered them all! Pretty sweet. And my concern in life is that I am doomed, cause I don't think I am my own main character! ACK!

  3. -When you go to an investigate a noise always make sure the windows are open for the breeze to blow in and then take just a candle that can get blown out easily instead of taking a reliable flashlight and a heavy or sharp weapon.
    -Always investigate noises by yourself.
    -If bug eyed, terrified townspeople tell you to get away because there are vampires, werewolves, undead flesh-eaters or other beasts killing off the townspeople then always tell them "poppycock, we'll stay the night and be fine".
    -If you find out that the camp, house, motel or land you are on was once the site of grisly murders just laugh it off and believe that it could never happen in the same place twice.

  4. I don't know, I'd suggest pissing off a gypsy, especially an old one. Walk right up to one and smack that plate of potato salad they were eating right out of their hands and scream I'm feeling lucky right in their face. That should do it.

  5. If, for some reason, you can't have sex (80's PG-13), than dressing and acting promiscuous will usually get you noticed by the killer.

    Also, in addition to not being the main character (no.8) you should excel in sports and riducule someone who doesn't.

    This is a great post

  6. Excellent. I'm really loving your October posts. Can we do this all year?

  7. The "not be a main character" was hilarious, and so true. (also for Dirty Harry movies)

    Another thing that comes to mind is when the evil one hurls something at a potential victim, or pushes something over, the victim to be just freezes and makes no attempt to do anything but be killed or impaled, or whatever. Usually accompanied by a ghastly expression and the words "UH-UH-UHHHHHH"

  8. Also makes sure that your weekend tomfoolery happens during a thunderstorm, during which, of course, the phones will go dead.

  9. kim- ...and if the phone does ring and a gravely voice tells you he's in the house, be sure to not take this seriously - probably just a crank call.

    Great suggestions everyone. Thanks to Tim for giving us the PG-13 version. How true.

    Of course, to guarantee your cinematic demise, use combinations of the above. Be a minor character that pisses off a gypsy while naked and doing drugs.

  10. Where is that last image from?

  11. Wear stiletto heels in the forest - 75%!

  12. EvangelineMay 07, 2012

    When you hear spooky music in the back-ground, just ignore it. A killer totally isn't going to jump out at you then.