12/8/09

Santa Claus Exposed



How come Santa gets to choose whether everyone on earth is naughty or nice, and no one is checking up on him? I mean, isn't it possible jolly ol' St. Nick might wind up on the "naughty list" if we monitored him the way he does us?  I know this will probably get me a lump of coal this year, but I think it's time we turned the tables on Mr. Claus!

So, here's my evidence. I think you'll find it more than persuasive. After all, we learned from "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" that Santa is all man and has needs; however, once these lustful cravings are exposed, your image of him may become shattered. Be forewarned,  I also have physical evidence which will indict his accomplice in naughtiness, Mrs. Claus! 




I wonder what Mrs. Claus thinks about him arm-in-arm with one of Charlie's Angels, Shelly Hack? They don't look like they're off to wrap presents, if you know what I mean.


You know you're a sexaholic if you don't even care if the children are watching. This man needs counselling.


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Whacha got in the bag, Santa? Perhaps, in his haste to get out of the residence before the husband woke up, he got a little careless. And when you're careless, you make mistakes. Busted.


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Look at the face of that poor horrified elf.  That's the look of someone whose idol has just been exposed as a horny dirtbag. First Tiger Woods and now this?



 I'm not surprised that Elvira is involved in this tawdry affair - she's no stranger to sexing up the holidays. Exhibit A...


...and Exhibit B...



What is it that can make an aged and overweight man such a stud deluxe? Does he promise them special gifts under the tree? Does he promise to look the other way at their indescretions and put them on the "nice" list? Or is it some ancient pagan sorcery that he places these young girls under? It remains a mystery.



Well, isn't this interesting? I'm not going to say that Santa and this disco dolly did a line of coke before this picture was shot.... but you do the math: it's the 1970's, he's at a disco, and he's got a crazed look in his eyes.





Caught red handed! One of those hidden cameras in a stop light captures Kris Kringle dressed in leather on a motorbike.  I wonder who those presents are for - good little girls and boys... or a sexy minx in a sidecar? I think you know the answer to this one.



Well, what do we have here? Seems Santa's not always in the driver's seat. What burns me up is how blatant and unashamed he is about it.  No embarassment at being caught, only a hand gesture signalling he's gonna score.



Attention husbands. I'd advise you to sleep with one eye open Christmas eve.  Even if you trust your wife implicitly, you simply can't fathom the level of trickery he's capable of. He's been at this a long, long time. Believe me, he knows what he's doing.




Enjoying the view, Santa? How about not positioning yourself right under her dress? In my book you've got two options: help her out or discretely move away to protect the woman's modesty. Obviously, Santa has chosen a third option by parking himself directly underneath and enjoying the view.



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Let's not rule out the possibility that Mr. and Mrs. Claus have an "agreement", not unlike Bill and Hillary.  Perhaps, that's just the way they roll. These hidden camera snapshots of an office Christmas party in 1987 demonstrate that Mrs. Claus is no innocent victim in all this!





I've got my eye on you Mr. and Mrs. Claus! And don't even think about sending your little henchmen elves to shut me up. Let's just say I've got an interesting picture of you, Comet and Blitzen that you don't want on TMZ.

13 comments:

  1. well, that was just a little bit of heaven...

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  2. I always knew Santa was a dirty old man.

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  3. Hey, the man works 365 days a year. He just needs to let loose after he punches out for the year.

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  4. You know how Ertha Kitt (and later Madonna) was asking him to overlook a few things in "Santa Baby."

    Really, if you had that kind of power and ability to move around the globe quickly, wouldn't you take advantage of it? (Mrs. Hound, you know I wouldn't, but every other man...)

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  5. what a fantastic compilation. Man did I enjoyed this post! Everyone reading this post should take a listen to Steel Panther's new Christmas single "Sexy Santa" while they are reading, it's a match made in heaven...or should I say...The North Pole! lol (insert dirty line about my pole going north)

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  6. btw - DAMN Elvira looks good...

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  7. Think about it. You spend all year with elves and an old woman that you call "your wife". Who wouldn't get all jiggy with pretty girls after a year with ELVES???

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  8. Isn't that Loni Andersen in the Jayne Mansfield Story in the last two? :)

    Great little collection showing what Santa's really made of.

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  9. This would explain the Tiny Tim song "Santa Claus Has Got the AIDS This Year."

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  10. Let's not forget Santa also killed several people as recorded in the movie "Silent Night, Deadly Night". Sex and violence always go together.

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  11. Good point, Hitch. If you remember from the Church Lady on SNL - just move the "N" and look what you get:

    SANTA ----> SATAN

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  12. Santa also killed grandma. Of course she wasn't watching where she was going after all that eggnog.

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  13. Come on ... you guys.... now what would you be doing if it was you that knew where all the "naughty girls" lived :)

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