Important Things to Know #8: How to Louse Up a Date

The first two Comic Education posts have been pretty heavy handed - the dangers of drugs and the threat of nuclear war. Let's lighten things up with a 1948 guide to dating titled "How to Louse Up a Date". It was published over 60 years ago, but I think it is as accurate today as it was then. I'm not copying the article  verbatim here, just duly noting the sage advice from generations past.

Rule #1: (Pictured above) Keep your freaking paws to yourself until the time is right. Guys that can't keep their filthy mits to themselves are either horribly desperate or a smarmy lush (or both). In due time, fellas. In due time.

Rule #2: Bob Hope you ain't, so quit trying to be Mr. Funny Guy.  Do you remember that James Bond movie where 007 pulls a practical joke and everybody dies laughing?.... Of course you don't, Bond is a player, and wouldn't do something so stupid in front of the ladies. If you're going to be funny, be charming and witty like Dean Martin or Vince Vaughn - not an annoying ass and practical joker.

Rule #3: Keep a lid on the smokestack. If you feel the need to light up, step outside. Afterwards, you'd better stick an Altoid in you piehole before your date gets a whiff of that foul wind coming from your lips.

Rule #4: Do not stuff your suck when you're on a date.  No one looks attractive chewing, especially chomping madly and barely coming up for air. I don't care how distinguished and regal you think you are, once you start sucking down Funyuns and bratwurst, that's gone - you're like Fred Flintstone eating a Brontosaurus Burger. Slow down, Tex. Eat slowly and in moderation - there'll be time to gorge tomorrow while not under the watchful eye of your lady.

Rule #5: No one wants to hear your damn stories. They may act like it, but they're just being polite. I don't care if you rode piggyback on a Sasquatch to the tip top of Mount Everest to save a baby Unicorn, no one really gives a shit.

Rule #6: Some guys drink like they've got a hollow leg; unless, you're one of them, take it easy on the booze. If you're not careful, she'll be latching on to another fella while you're whistling carrots and blowing beef in the backyard. If you try to impress her with your ability to hold liquor, you  just might wind up talking on the big white telephone instead of bidding your lovely lady a good night. Easy does it, partner. Chances are, your lady is not going to be attracted to your ability to consume vast quantities of alcohol, anyway - and you'll be left to deliver a bile baby all by your lonesome.


  1. I feel like I've learnt a lot from this post. :D

  2. Is that lovely couple anyone famous? This takes me back to the late '60s when our junior high was still showing the same "Dick York is a fine young man" movies along this line. The administration seemed to think that being wholesome had no expiration date. Snickering ensued. More laughs than Bewitched had the previous evening. We knew we were in trouble when the teacher started out by saying "you know this guy may look familiar to some of you"

  3. Must admit that the accompanying photo made me think that Rule #5 would be against shadow hand puppetry.

    Not covered in the booklet, I suppose... but ill-advised just the same.

  4. Don, this isn't anyone famous as far as I know. And I will be covering those etiquette/hygeine propoganda films in the near future. Damn, I love those things.

    Brian, Say what? I thought the chicks went crazy for shadow puppetry! Maybe that explains my poor luck with the ladies. I was under the impression the photo was advising against seal impressions at parties. I can attest to that.

  5. "How to Date Up A Louse" sounds like it could be interesting.

  6. Man! That's why I've stayed single all these years. I've done seal impressions while drinking, making shadow puppets, and telling stories about saving baby unicorns. Thanks for all of your retro advice, and sorry for wasting too much time here, given that I didn't live back then.