3/1/10

A Rare Glimpse Inside Retrospace Headquarters


I thought as a treat, we might take a backstage look at Retrospace headquarters.  Given that Retrospace is relocating to the Bahamas (for tax evasion purposes), I figured time was running out on showing you around this historic location.

Of course, you'll first have to pass through our high-tech security system. Full body cavity searches every Monday, waterboarding interrogations each Wednesday, and mineral-oil rubdowns each Friday.


Full time employees take a stairwell to the lobby, while temps are sent through a rotating cylinder which exposes occupants to a sustained 3.5 G. Don't worry too much about the temps, they typically survive.


Next up, is our reception area where Molly Goodhead, the front office receptionist, will great you with courtesy and professionalism.... unless your Swiss. She hates the Swiss.


And now we've reached the heart of the whole operation. Each and every one of these ladies plays an integral part in the day to day functioning of Retrospace. Many are tasked with simply responding to your comments while others fact check each and every post. Others come to work drunk and start terrible cat-fights. But each has an important part to play in keeping Retrospace rolling along.


If that was the heart of Retrospace, this next location is surely the brains, or perhaps the pancreas. Here all the data, ideas, thoughts, and recollections are compiled and archived. Here, the information is stored and accessed on a minute by minute basis.... and Ms. Anastasia Beaverhausen carefully retrieves all of it. I supervise. "A little higher, Miss Beaverhausen."


Long ago, I put away the keyboard and left the writing on Retrospace in the hands of modern technology. I merely input a few semi-interesting topics like "vinyl is better than digital" or "bad Sammy Davis, Jr. songs", and PRESTO a post is created! It's not completely on autopilot though; Ms. Throttlebottom must hold it steady and keep it from wobbling.


And finally, this information is backed up onto the small black cylinders you see below, This highly complex method of data storage was actually reverse engineered from alien technology obtained from Area 51.... but you didn't hear that from me.


Of course, what would an office be without its break room. I place so much stock in providing my employees a nice place to gossip and drink during their breaks that I spared no expense. To pay for it, I had to drastically cut costs in workplace safety which has resulted in several deaths. However, I think you'll see, it was well worth it.

 
 
Last but not least is the mail room. Here, letters flood in each day and are painstakingly read by Mrs. Fukalluvus and, in turn, are given a handwritten response. Granted, her filing and organizational skills are lacking, but she's one helluva hard worker (and functional alcoholic).


I know you're asking yourself, "Where's Gil's office?" Well, sorry to disappoint, but, as I mentioned earlier, we're relocating to the Bahamas for tax evasion  purposes, and I'm currently at the ribbon cutting ceremony. Perhaps we can show our beachside location in another post. Bring your sunscreen! Ciao!

15 comments:

  1. I envy your employees - they can smoke at their desks and keep their bourbon in plain view. They also get to wear scandalously short skirts and the men get to rock hipster hair and wear bright colors...

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  2. For once, things are exactly as I had imagined them!

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  3. That IS one kick-ass break room!

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  4. After seeing your operation I can hardly wait for your IPO.

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  5. my compliments to the middle-aged women doing comment responses. it always felt like I was conversing with the Gil himself. Such dedication.

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  6. What about the cofee do you have one of those machines like Dr.Hartley had in his lobby?

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  7. You run a tight ship here, I like it!

    Hope you enjoy the Bahamas!

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  8. Best. Post. EVER!
    Fabulous luck in the Bahamas!
    Paul on Merritt Island

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  9. To the Editor:

    I WAS going to say "What about the long haired teeny bopper 'personal assistant' in stripped shorts with big suspenders and go-go boots?", but I should have known better. OF COURSE a well lubricated--I mean well RUNNING operation like RETROSPACE would spare no expense, especially at the top of the food chain.

    Sir, you are a credit to The Organization Man of the 50s, who mated with the Free Love of the 60s, and gave birth to the unholy love child that was the 70s...........

    I remain:
    In awe of your abilities.
    Bill Abendroth
    Samsara Samizdat

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  10. Ryoki Nor
    3.14159 Infinity St.
    Beta Lyra 6
    Outer Rim



    Attn: Retrospace Human/Alien Resources

    Greetings Gilligan

    I enclose my resume as a first step in exploring the possibilities of employment by providing you with information concerning my background and qualifications. The information enclosed highlights my skills and lists the vast array of experience I have encompassed. After careful research and examination, I am sure my qualifications meet your organizational needs.

    I would appreciate your keeping this inquiry confidential. Should my qualifications be of interest to you, I would appreciate the opportunity for an interview. Please feel free to telephone me at home any time during the day or evening on hyper frequency 45.9 to the tenth power. I can supply additional information at your request. I look forward to hearing from you in the near future. Thank you for your consideration.



    Sincerely,
    Ryoki Nor

    P.S. Wow. Old keypunch machines. My aunt used to do that back in the 60's. She had boxes of those cards everywhere.What a flash back,thanks.

    P.S.S. Will work for Scotch and Lucky Strikes.

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  11. "...The Organization Man of the 50s, who mated with the Free Love of the 60s, and gave birth to the unholy love child that was the 70s" - without a doubt, a monumental quote. I raise my glass of Tom Collins to you, sir.

    Ryoki - Your resume sounds promising, but how many words can you type per mintute while intoxicated?

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  12. You're leaving this place or this is the place you're going to in the Bahamas? Looks very cool.

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  13. Where is Commander Straker's office now?

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  14. Mr CuriousMarch 05, 2010

    Where is Commander Straker's office now?

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