Vintage Men's Mags #5: Awful Covers

I spent a good deal of time praising the often under-appreciated artwork of vintage men's magazines; so, I think I've earned the right to be a little negative. Let's face it, some of those magazine covers were just downright awful.... and admit it - it's always enjoyable to poke fun at the failures and embarrassments of the past. Bad fashion and bad album covers seem to get a lot of attention, well now it's time to point a condescending finger at the vintage men's mag.

I'm referring here to the "girlie magazine" variety rather than the action mag, because, quite frankly, I can't find any particularly bad action mag covers, and horrible girlie mags are in abundance. So, sit back, relax and enjoy some unseemly covers from yesteryear... you've earned it.

Yeah, this is real titillating - a beautiful woman flanked by a rodeo clown. I hope whoever came up with the idea to slap a picture of a grotesque clown got a talking to... his idea of erotica is a tad skewed.

WTF? Another damn clown? Maybe I underestimate the level of clown fetish in the 1960's. I guess they were going for "playful" by inserting the giant stuffed clown. I wonder how many little kiddies picked this one up, thinking it was for them.

This cover has me wishing for clowns.  A giant shimmering frog-man? Really? I don't follow.

Woman as luggage.... maybe it's just me, but I'm thinkin' this is a wee bit sexist.  Then again, is it any worse than this next one...

This one wouldn't be so bad if the woman wasn't getting goosed by the sailing mast. I mean, that mast is wedged right in the crack of her ass... is this the best photo they could come up with? I'm sure they took loads of pictures out on the ship - they choose the one with where the mast is sandwiched between her butt cheeks?

Help me out with this one, folks. She looks like she's putting on a show for a plush toy.  Why exactly did they decide to put a purple poodle in this shot? I understand they're on a budget and in a time crunch, but couldn't someone have removed the freaky looking toy animal from between her legs?

and speaking of freaky animals... I'm going to refrain from comment on this next one.

.Somebody explain to me how a flamboyantly gay man presenting a girl with an upside down apple is sexy. While you're coming up with an explanation, I'm moving on to the next post. Adios!


  1. "Mike Wallace: TVs Grand Inquisitor"

    Bwah hah hah hah!!

  2. Way creepy covers! I really don't want to know who decided these were cool. Are they insinuating women turn into evil clowns at night? No wonder I'm a nightowl ?)

  3. The luggage one bothers me and she seems to be enjoying it for some reason.

  4. Yikes! Very strange.

    Titter-’Six ways to have FUN!’ Do they all result in severe spinal injuries?
    Night and Day- The clowns thinking the same thing I am. ‘Is that Ava Gardner?’
    Satan- ‘The Art Students Ball…in FULL COLOR!’ Oh that’s just sad. What’s next issue,‘ Lunch with the Chess Club’?
    Gentleman- Mike Wallace investigates the phenomenon of ‘sphincter sailing’, also known as ‘cheek navigation’. A breakthrough for our Navy? Wallace probes further.
    Rogue- In this issue Dick Gregory expresses his opposition to the Viet Nam war but says very little about his position on gay choreographers giving fruit to nude women.

  5. These are some wild covers indeed!

    And yes, I like to be a caveman in my spare time!

  6. Is that Charlotte Rae (FACTS OF LIFE) on that "Escapade" cover?!

    Just when you thought clowns were the worst thing to haunt you at night...

    Al Bigley

  7. I have 10 or 15 of these magazines from the 1950s and early 1960s. My Dad saved them for all these years. There must have been a lot of different mags as none of the titles I have match any of these. The ones I have are not so crazy coverwise. One features Marilyn Monroe. In those days my Dad commuted to work on a city bus. These magazines were small and perfect for commuting.

  8. I represent the PPC (Purple Poodle Coalition) and I order you to "Cease and Desist" immediately. Our members are constantly frawt (yes, Frawt) with snickering and tittering over our sexual preference. I'm sure it must be easy for you all to laugh with your over-sexed spouses and your iPhone sex aps, but we at the PPC can't live your charmed lives. We are always having the stuffing kicked out of us because we need to find gratification from leather-clad ladies who will leash us in gold chains and then berate us 'til we beg for it. Well, it gets me off; and if you don't like it, all I and my members have to say is woof. Woof. woof. woof.woof.

  9. the last image is a shot from the movie "the apple" made in 1980. its really bad, but funny