4/19/11

Vintage Reads #23: More Dirty Books Front and Back


Well, here we are again reading the backs of 50 year old smutty books.... and I can't think of a better use of our time.  Our country may be in 3 simultaneous wars, at the mercy of oil rich countries that hate us, and sinking exponentially into catastrophic debt, but by God I'm going to take the time to read some frivolous trash!  You have to, just to keep your sanity. 

So, let's escape back to a day before DVDs and cable; back when dudes got their fix from paperbacks.  The covers were brilliant - eye catching, lurid, and practically begging you to buy them.  However, if that wasn't enough to make you cough up 50 cents, the back cover surely would. 

Click on the images to view them full size. Enjoy!


"This bold book looks hard at the secret practices, the secret life, of the masturbators."

Wow. This book makes beating off sound like an underground cult.  Was this an early novel by Dan Brown? Only he could make tossing off sound mysterious.


"What strange forbidden ecstasies held her captive on the lonely white sands?"

Nothing worse than sand getting in those bodily nooks and crannies.  This title doesn't make me aroused, it makes me want to take a shower.


"He was the King of the Studs... a demanding tyrannical lover... with a harem of insatiiable women all anxious to be subjugated to his will."

What kind of sex tyrant is this? He's lovingly holding his gal in a warm embrace. The title should've been Compassionate Cuddler.


"Young, willing, but apparently not able. Toby Dainty is obviously in big trouble.  His lovemaking seems to increase his wife's lethargy instead of her libido.  Desperate, Toby enrolls in The Love Clinic for a course in Sexology."

Looks like some cheeky fun from the Brits - the same chaps that gave us Benny Hill and the Carry On movies.  This silly randiness translates well to TV and film, but not so much on paper.


"She had an appetite for her special kind of sex - but he was willing to give his all to help her feed it..."

"Voluptuous sex-hungry amazon" - translation: big fat slut


"For the Jarmans, it was a wilderness of voyeurism, sadism and dope..."

Well, I'll be damn. The Jarmans seemed like such a nice couple at coffee & doughnuts after church.  Who knew they were sadistic dope smoking voyeurs.


"Find out how she became a pawn in a deadly, multimillion dollar sex game.  Discover the truth about women who begin by selling their bodies - and end by losing their souls!"

It's a sex novel written by Tarzan: "I, Prostitute. You, John. We, make whoopie. He, pimp. He take money."


"He will make the first film ever to carry the awesome "F" Certificate - a movie that shows the sex act in full detail!"

Pretty obscene stuff, but not as bad as The 'S' Certificate, the first movie to ever show the process of making sausages in full detail. Gag!

5 comments:

  1. OMG these are awesome. I especially like how someone wrote "ME" on the back of the lady that Bronco the Sex Tyrant is holding.

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  2. Dang, Bronco must have some special skills cause his looks would drive most women away! I like the Sex Clinic's pull-quotes from fictional characters Fanny Hill and Lady Chatterley!

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  4. You are extra hilarious lately.

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  5. "The Masturbators" sounds almost like a crappy reality show. "Uh, can't come out right now!" "Who used all the tissues and baby oil??"

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