1/26/12

Comic Books #37: Horny Archie Comics



I know, I know. I probably publish more than my share of Archie posts..... but I just can't get enough of them. They are the cowbell to my inner Bruce Dickinson. In many ways, Archie comics are the ultimate resource for that retro flavor. The fashions, the attitudes, the pop culture references - they're cocaine infused candy for the retro-obsessed.

One aspect of the teenage life that was perfectly captured in these Archie comics was the blinding slap-happy horniness of adolescence. A common thread throughout the decades was that the boys of Riverdale High are straight-up 'unzipped' - i.e. when a pretty girl crosses their line of sight, the wheels come off... 



So, anyway, I thought I'd share with you some of my favorite panels of Archie et. al. coming unhinged Tex Avery style by the sight of a hot chick.  They weren't hard to find, that I can assure you.


Archie Andrews is a sucker for a pair of go-go boots and hot pants. Can't say as I blame him.

 A micro-mini is always guaranteed to get a whistle in Archie comics.... even from two guys who are obviously gay.


Of all the guys associated with Archie, Jughead was the most reserved in his horniness.  Perhaps it was the weed that killed his sex drive.  I don't know.  But he still had his moments.


Veronica's rich dad wasn't immune, either.  A long legged secretary was all it took for his glasses to pop off his head, and become completely unglued.


Cripes! these guys are literally standing by this woman sweating and panting.  I wonder what we'd see if we could zoom out to get the whole picture and catch a glimpse of what's going on with these two perverts.  Synchronized public masturbation is wrong, folks. Keep our beaches clean.


I include these just to demonstrate that it wasn't always the guys that got thunderstruck by hormones.  It was much less frequent, but B&V weren't always all about Archie.


Archie was a kid in a candy store at the beach.  Not only did he have B&V both vying his attention, he had gorgeous babes at every turn. Lucky bastard. Which brings me to my next point...

How, for the love all that is holy, did he get away with it? Week after week, B&V are clawing each other's eyes out to get a piece of Archie; meanwhile, he's takin' it for granted and ogling every chick that passes by.  It wasn't always that way though - especially when dirty ol' Reggie became a bigger part of the love triangle.



This scene looks fairly benign in a comic book, but I'd imagine it would be pretty scary in real life.  These males are just closing in on this woman.  Nothing good can come of this.


Notice the legs turning to Jell-O. Men in Rivedale quite literally have immediate debilitating physical reactions at the sight of a pretty girl. They lose all motor skills and cannot so much as walk without falling apart at the seams.


This is without question my all time favorite. Regie and Archie check out B&V and instantly become shockingly erect.  There can be no other interpretation.



Archie and Reggie are smitten by the baton twirlers.... understandable.  Reggie watching them intently shouting "OOOO! EEEEE! AAAAH!".... not so understandable.  A little disturbing, actually.


This one's interesting because Veronica actually says "lover".  Horny exclamations are okay in Archie comics, but throwing out the term "lover" was verboten.


Mr. Lodge had no silly hang-ups about age.  So what if these girls were the same age as his daughter... this is the seventies, man!

Ever once and a while, Veronica would insert 'women's lib' into the discussion, but Archie would have none of that. 


This panel is from one of those Archie comic 'Hostess Fruit Pie' ads that were so common back in the day. I like it not just for the ridiculously overt "WOW!", but I think the "Don't bruise that body" is a particularly nice touch.

These next four panels are just examples insane declarations of horniness - my favorite being "Hi-Yi-Yi-Yi!"






I've been proclaiming the power and the glory of the miniskirt every Monday here on Retrospace.  Let it be known that this is effect it has on men - you ladies do what you will with this information. 


You've got to hand it to B&V.  They were smart liberated chicks, but they weren't afraid to work it when the need arose.



THE END

12 comments:

  1. "They come all together like a package deal."

    Yup.

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  2. Image number 13 is notable for being the only one not drawn by Dan DeCarlo. If the unknown artist is trying to duplicate DeCarlo's sense of zaniness, he falls a little short, but give him an "A" for effort.

    All in all, a fun pictorial!

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  3. You could create a second blog just devoted to Archie comics and I'd read it every day. I love this article!

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  4. Haha. Loved this! Who knew horniness ran so deep beneath the saccharine surface of squeaky clean Riverdale?

    --J/Metro

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  5. So Archie's thinking threesome.Good for him.

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  6. Food for thought: cotton pickin'
    Hmmm....Think about that for just a minute.
    Good..now never use it again..
    My mother used that expression when I was a kid. About 6 years ago, ok I'm slow, I realized WHAT that meant.
    I wonder if it was so much a part of culture people forget what it meant and then it became common place.
    Kinda shocking to see it again.
    That is all.

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    Replies
    1. Is that a "Dean Scream" he's busting out?

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  7. Hey This is a great blog to follow on anything and everything nostalgia. I referenced Retrospace in my latest blog post as a great resource for memories! Check it out. http://bit.ly/yBmhN5

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  8. Everything is better with more Betty and Veronica in bikinis.

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  9. You know there's gonna be trouble when the word "BOING!" appears.

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  10. I have to make a confession, in 1978, when I was 14, I left the world of Betty and Veronica, and went straight to Playboy. Dan Decarlo make me the pervert I am today!

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  11. AnonymousJuly 11, 2012

    Hey now! Only ONE mention of Melody in a post about horniness in Archie comics? Something ain't right here...

    ReplyDelete