Vintage Reads #34: Archie Campbell's Bedtime Stories for Adults
Many of you will remember Archie Campbell from Hee-Haw, and he was a regular at the Grand Old Oprey, Decades before 'Blue Collar Comedy', guys like Campbell and Grandpa Jones were selling the country comedy shtick to southern audiences.
I'm not big on the Jeff Foxworthy and Cable Guy thing, but Archie Campbell is okay in my book. I dig that old school comedy delivery of punch line after punch line. I get bored of the modern day comedians' constant desire to shock and offend, their need to insert religious/political opinions, and their incessant self deprecation. There's something to be said for just a nice set up and delivery. I can do without the comedians' personal baggage - just give me the jokes asshole. Quit trying to be Bill Hicks.
Here's a selection of jokes from Campbell's 1968 book Bedtime Stories for Adults. No need to worry about it being for adults, though - even by 1960's standards, it's absolutely filth free. Enjoy.
Teacher- Jake is the world round or flat?
Jake- My daddy says its crooked.
A traveling salesman stopped at a country store and saw a man playing checkers with, of all things, a dog. After watching a few minutes he said, "I think that's the smartest dog I ever saw". The man said, "Oh he ain't so smart, I beat him three out of five".
Joe- I passed by your house last night and saw you kissing your wife.
Bill- Ha ha, the joke's on you, 1 wasn't even home last night.
Furriner-Say old timer, is it healthy in this town?
Old Timer--Where ye frum?
Old Timer-I reckon as how it is, we had to get a yankee to come down here and commit suicide, so we
could start a graveyard.
Old Timer-We got a man here that is 106 years old and has never used glasses.
Furriner-Never used glasses eh?
Old Timer-Nope, he always drunk out of the jug.
Tom, Jack, and Bill came before the judge for stealing a horse, a cow, and a truck. The judge asked Tom
how long he had owned the horse and he said, "Ever since it was a colt". The judge asked Jack how long he had owned the cow and he .said, "Ever since it was a calf". The judge asked Bill how long he had owned the
truck and he said, "Ever since it was a wheelbarrow".
She-I'll bet the trees will be glad to see summer come.
He-I guess you would too if you had to stand olltside all winter in your trunks.
Baby-Mama tell me a story.
Mother-It's about nine o'clock now, in a few minutes your daddy will be home and he'll tell us both
Johnny-Mama the kids made fun of me at school today because I had a big head.
Mama-You do not have a big head, and quit worrying about it.
Johnny-Well they kidded me all day, they said I had a big head.
Mama-Well quit thinking about it, you do not have a big head, now go to the store and bring me ten pounds
Johnny-Wcll what'll I carry 'em in?
Mama-Use your cap.
A horse walked into a bar and ordered a drink, paid for it with a five dollar bill. When the bartender brought
his change he said, "This is very unusual, I think this is the first time, I've ever seen a horse in here". The horse said, "And I guess it will be the last one too, your prices are too high".
Marriage is a great thing, no family should be without it, marriage is sometimes called an institution, but who
wants to live in an institution.
Marriage is like a game of cards, you start with a pair, he shows a diamond, she shows a flush, and they end up with a full house.
A young couple got married and her name happened to be a tree and his name was Wood. They've been
married twelve years now and they've got a house full of kindling.