4/5/12

Comic Books #39: Horror Comic Idiots


John, you senseless idiot.  You're on a "strange lonely back road", get your sorry ass back on the highway.

It's fun to read these old horror comics: we know the rules of their world, but the characters are blissfully unaware.  In horror comics, you should never dismiss superstitious legend, never take the back roads, and always believe your humble wife's intuition.  Otherwise, you're dead meat..... just like ol' John blissfully oblivious to his impending doom.




Totally different comic - this time it's Jim that's the ignoramus.  Horror comics were littered with dumb husbands who didn't give two shits that their wives were petrified with terror.  "Don't be silly, sweet."  Well, if "sweet" was driving, you'd be safe and sound in a Holiday Inn watching Soupy Sales. But nooooooo. You had to be stubborn and not let that He-Witch make you lose precious miles.


I would love it if the comic included a panel right before they die where Yates just lays into Manning: "The entire f***ing forest is f***ing empty and you tell me to get a grip?  Obviously something was very f***ing wrong, but you were too busy being a dick to notice. Thanks a lot, Manning.... ya douche."


Yep. Once again, the wife is exercising common sense, but her doofus husband has absolutely no sense of self preservation.  And why would he automatically assume it's someone who's car broke down?


I got news for you, Parker.  You won't be seeing your boss at sunset.  In fact, you won't be seeing your boss period.  Your boss is going bye-bye.


Actually, Mr. Masterson, I don't think you heard me.  I said you now have the DEMON coat.  Did you think I said DENIM coat?

Candy would do well to listen to "stupid" Thaxter from time to time. Thaxter is going to be sipping on a Tom Collins doing crossword puzzles while you're getting sliced and diced in The Ripper Room.  Who's the stupid one again?


I think that pipe tobacco is stunting his ability to reason.  Perry is straight up telling you (1) no one has gone that way for thirty years, (2) there is death up there, (3) there is evil up there, and (5) someone called The Vulture of Sorrow Valley is buried there.  What part of this do you not understand?


 For once it's the husband showing a little sense. It's on a dark deserted road, the place is strange looking, and it gives George the shivers... get the f*** out.  Go grab a beer and a hamburger, and that antique store will be a distant memory.

Unfortunately, we know they won't do that (if they did, it'd be the most boring horror comic in history).  I hope at least they use good judgment when they buy stuff from the antique store....


Great Scott!  Are you kidding me? This is what they purchase?

It's just like those horror movies where the camper has to go alone into the woods, or check out a strange sound in the basement, etc.  The audience knows they're about to bite it, but there's something morbidly fun about waiting for something really bad to happen.


Jesus, they were scary enough when they were just Witch Stones.  Now you're telling me they are old altars?  That's even worse. Let's get the hell outta here.


Here's Mister Swanson again. When you've been given fair warning by half the town and still persist, according to the Rules of the Horror Comic, you will die a horrible death. Swanson's a goner.

THE END

10 comments:

  1. Nice! I run an irregular feature on my blog called Famous Last Words Friday which has similar blissful ignorance.

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  2. Hiya, folks. We don't get many strangers around here at Cannibal Springs, on the shores of the scenic River of Blood. Of course, we don't lose many either.

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  3. Love the statue that looks like the wife.

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  4. Nonsense! No wait not nonsense but a fun read. You've done it again you sly rascal. Ha! Ha! what will your shrewd little brain dream up next?

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  5. Actually, Grotesquely Twisted Features describes the wife better than the statue in the first panel at the antique shop.

    Also, I love the yokel, with his "allus" and "fellers", using the word "daft". Seems a lofty word for him to use.

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    1. No million dollor medallion for this rural entepreneur who has the language skills to use allus, fellers, daft and also accursed in the same sentence. Just stick a piece of duct tape with the hand written word TAXI on your windshield and your in business. Ah the good old days!

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  6. From above I think I learned that...

    1-If my name was Silas Dunster I'd be mean, evil and wanting revenge on someone too.

    2-No good can come from owning a demon coat.

    3-If you're a city feller and some hick tells you a place is accursed then you darn well better listen to him.

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  7. Wait! Witch Stones are we talking about? lol.

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  8. I was with a friend driving back in his MG convertible from California's Central Valley on state highway (yeah, right) 130. At one point, it became gravel and there was a sign warning that there were no services for the next 30 miles or so (winding road) and that the road was hazardous in winter. We had no choice but to take that road as it would have been impractical to turn back. As night came on, I commented that this is one of those roads you see in the movies where the couple has mechanical trouble and then all sorts of bad things happen. My friend said he had a similar thought. He stopped the car, we got out and put the top up. And locked the doors, lol. It was a relief to see pavement again and the sign indicating that San Jose was about 20 miles away.

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  9. Man, I don't even answer my door during the daylight hours unless I hear the sound of a truck, like FedEx or UPS. I don't feel like having some butthead hold me up (it's happened around here before).

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