6/26/12

Teen Magazines #2: Super Teen (August 1985)


Well, folks, it had to happen.  It was only a matter of time before my stack of 1980s teen magazines found its way to Retrospace.  Mind you, these are not my childhood magazines - I swear on Charles Nelson Reilly's grave, I never the stuff.  Back in '85, I was more into Hit Parader and Circus.... but that's neither here nor there.  The fact of the matter is, I've got a huge stack of these rags, and they are fun as hell to read. So, let's dig in!


Peter Reckell, "Days of Our Lives"
The odds of finding a soap actor in a teen magazine past 1990 is pretty slim.  Teens don't watch them anymore, and they haven't for a long time (as evidenced by the near extinction of the soap opera).  Back in the day, it wasn't uncommon for girls to rush home from school to catch the latest soap wedding, or to see the girls lockers plastered with soap stars.

Jack Wagner, "The Anointed One"
Damn, shorts sure were.... er, short back then. If you'll recall Wagner had a big hit with "All I Need" - not a bad song, really.  If you dig "Don't Give Up on Us, Baby" by David Soul or any of the Air Supply catalog, this is the song for you.

An Important Message from Retrospace Headquarters:  It has come to my attention that Retrospace Headquarters has issued a prime directive to all readers. Print this picture, frame it, and put it in a prominent position in your office.  Meditate in front of it daily and pray that it may bestow upon you some of Wagner's mojo. In this way, you shall become sanctified in coolness.


What exactly was Andrew Ridgeley's role in the band?  I mean, at least Garfunkle could sing Oates could play guitar.

And an even bigger question: How is it possible that their homosexuality was even up for debate? I guess, in the eighties girls chose to ignore that many of their heart throbs were playing for the other team.


Yes, this picture is actually taken from this magazine (page 29 to be exact).  I don't imagine this image was hanging in too many girls' lockers.  I presume these odd looking creatures are men (?)

I remember seeing Ridgeley and Michael prancing around in the "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" video in their short shorts and thinking these guys were definitely gay.  It was definitely a different kind of gay presentation than the Village People, but still every bit as gay.

I certainly have no problem with it, but it's interesting to note that not many people twenty plus years ago had a problem with it either.  Sure, it wasn't implicitly stated, but it couldn't be more obvious.


Relationship advice from Joe from The Facts of Life! Actually, her answers are not too bad.  Lucky they didn't get Blair (Lisa Welchel) to answer these questions - I hear she is pretty flaky.  Didn't she recommend Tobasco sauce on your kids' tongues for punishment?

Who the hell is Roman Holiday?
I actually laughed out loud when I saw this page.  (Okay, I didn't actually make an audible laugh, but I had a sly grin.)  How hilarious is it to see these teen pop acts (Madonna, Lauper and Roman Holiday) next to Euro-metal act, Accept? If you aren't familiar - think 'Scorpions'. You may also recall "Balls to the Wall".

Interesting to note that some of these macho metal bands were every bit as gay as Wham.  Accept's lead singer was homosexual (as was Halford from Judas Priest).


This is one hell of a motley mix of eighties celebs, is it not? You've got the young Drew Barrymore between cocaine fixes hanging with Laura Branigan's brother and (gulp!) Phoebe Cates.  Also note that Eddie Van Halen looks scarily like Valerie Bertinelli.

I hope Charlie Sheen was a good influence on young Chad Lowe - I'm sure he kept him on the straight and narrow.

"I was banging seven-gram rocks, because that’s how I roll. I have one speed, I have one gear: Go."
- Charlie Sheen


Take note of the future "Robot Chicken" mastermind. He also voices Chris Griffin (Family Guy), was on Buffy and played Scott Evil in the Austin Powers films.


My understanding is that Jill Miller (bottom, between Jason Bateman and Michael J. Fox) became a successful New York lawyer.

Oh, to be Peter Reckell in '85.


Notice "Robert Downing" before the fame, the subsequent drug infused fall, and the following rise to even bigger fame.  "He'll go far, for sure!"



Limited Warranty: If you're not completely satisfied with our music, simply return the album with a self-addressed stamped envelope and get your money back.

Problem was, no one bought the record in the first place.

HASTA LUEGO!


14 comments:

  1. Yay, Hall & Oates are in there! I had a friend in middle school who had a huge crush on George Michael; I honestly don't think it occurred to most of us that both members of Wham were gay, but no one was surprised when George came out of the closet.

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  2. THE FUNNY BOYS! They had a video on Mike Nesmith's Television Parts where a dumb jock takes Irish as a second language on a video tape. He watches a video with an Irish sheepherder telling him to repeat everything he says. All of the sentences revolve around "pee-TAY-toes." The Irishman talks faster and faster, with the jock just sitting with a dumb look on his face. It is one of the funist things you ever saw. I've posted it on my blog and I always post it on Facebook around St. Patrick's Day.

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  3. AnonymousJune 26, 2012

    Andrew Ridgeley actually isn't gay. His longtime girlfriend is Keren Woodward, co-founder of Bananarama. So much for all that talk about people being obviously gay, eh?

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    1. Okay, my gaydar is obviously poor; but I dare you to watch "Wake Me Up" and not have the thought cross your mind 500 times. He's downright sassy in that video. I'm just sayin'.

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    2. Paul DucaJune 28, 2012

      Actually, Gilligan...you have to go back to their first U.S. release in 1983, when they were known as Wham! UK (presumably an American act also held claim to the name).In the video for the song "Young Guns" (which did make the Hot 100), they perform wearing leather jackets and T-shirts...with denim capri pants and flats. From the waist up the look like Fonzie--from the waist down, Laura Petrie.


      Amazing that they were touting Seth Green two years before his breakthrough role, playing the young, romanticized version of Woody Allen in his film RADIO DAYS.

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  4. Oh jeez, Roman Holiday. They wore their hats stupidly on the backs of their heads and looked gay as hell. Their only redeeming quality was the intro to their song Motormania.

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  5. Face it, sometimes the cutest guys are gay. I knew Rob Halford was gay, but that does not take away from his talent! He's one hell of a front man. And I never thought girls actually found Duran Duran cute. Never knew it!

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  6. I didn't know Jack Wagner existed prior to Melrose Place. I thought he just materialised one day aged 35-ish.

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  7. Cool stuff! I love the '80s! Too bad I didn't look like Peter Reckell, or Mark Harmon, or any of these guys other than maybe the ugliest guy in Accept. And my hair wasn't even as good as his.

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  8. I love the 80's! Thanks for posting this!

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  9. I was in my 30's in the 1980s. I know some of these people because they became adults in the '90s but for the most part these people are a mystery to me.

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  10. Paul DucaJune 28, 2012

    Lisa Welchel isn't "flaky"...just a good Christian wife and mother. She came from church people. Once in the 80's I was channel surfing and came upon her singing for Jim and Tammy Bakker on THE PTL CLUB, in a bulky outfit to hide her off-season weight gain. I also think Lisa made it clear to the FACTS OF LIFE people that while Blair was rich, she wouldn't be THAT much of a rhymes with witch, must less be any type of a slut (even the limited prime-time family sitcom variety).

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  11. Both members of Wham aren't gay. Andrew has been with Keren Woodward of Bananarama for 20+ years. It is not hard to find out but it amazes me how easy it seems not to fact check.

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