7/18/12

Vintage Reads #37:Old-School Paperback Covers


Finger Man.  I know it has an outdated connotation, but it still sounds dirty.... or like the worst superhero ever.  And why does the guy in the visor look like he's mid-climax?... could it be (dramatic music) the Finger Man?

"She was blond enough to make a bishop kick a hole through a stained-glass window."
- Raymond Chandler


Also, the text at the top of the cover clearly says a "redhead"; she's blonde.  Did no one catch this? This bothers me. Perhaps, I've just spent way too much time looking at book covers and I'm cranky.  

Well, get set for some old school paperback covers with corresponding snarkiness.  Proceed with caution. 





Let's see: the dame, the ex-cop and the murder are all "hard boiled". Were they just too lazy to create other descriptions? How about a "gun-shy ex-cop" or a "sadistic ex-cop"..... something, dammit. The only thing not hard boiled in this novel is the cupcake.... which is inexplicably bronze.  Go figure.


You think there's enough Japanese references in this cover? The pagoda, Mount Fuji, the cherry blossom.... I'm surprised they don't have Godzilla in the background somewhere. And yet, they couldn't get Tamiko herself to look Japanese!


Is he resisting her or in the midst of a gargantuan pelvic thrust? Take note: It's the "first publication anywhere!"

Whoever illustrated this cover was an ass-man (or woman).  I'm just sayin'.  George Michael's "Faith" video springs to mind.  I'll also mention that a tee-tiny smoke stack emerging from his right should is bad composition. For shame.

Egad! Those eyes!  She looks positively out of her freaking mind. My worst nightmare: to wake up in bed and have this chick next to me looking like that. (shudder)


Kind of an overly generalized statement, don't you think? How about "Most Bedrooms Have Windows"? And why is this particular bedroom window at an angle in space? It's like this guy is emerging from some kind of inter-dimensional portal.


At first glance this appears to be nothing more than a couple of hot blooded young lovers; however, looks can be deceiving.  This man is obviously a zombie (look at those hands!) and he is biting her ferociously.  You'll notice that the image at the bottom clues us in that this man has indeed died.

Favorite thing about this cover: the incredibly phallic bedpost.  Well done, Bill Edwards.


Okay, I'm totally confused.  Where's Marc?

Love the tag lines: Here is a penetrating study.  (Heh, heh. He said "penetrating").  And "Society's Greatest Curse: Homosexuality!"


So what exactly is the problem here? She found a way to please both of them.... everybody wins, everyone's pleasured.  I'd say not reckless at all, but rather highly organized and thoughtful.

Ummm.  I hate to call attention to this, but I don't think there was a "Real Magazine" when this book was published.  Yes, I said it.  Real Magazine isn't real.

This gal looks to be one tough customer.  I'm glad to see she's finally making an effort to reign in that emotion.  How do I know? She's taking her own pulse.  Once she's calmed down, she'll resume her polite disagreement.


Dear Lord.  I think it's best if I refrain from comment.  This seems like a good place to call it quits.

5 comments:

  1. AnonymousJuly 18, 2012

    Ah, Chandler's Finger Man - The biography of rugby league footballer John Hopoate...

    ReplyDelete
  2. John D. MacDonald was also a noted science fiction writer, penning "Thee Girl the Gold Watch and Everything."

    Great post. What they did to sell books. With e-books being all the rage, what will happen to cover art?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. the same thing that happened to album cover art.... (poof!)

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  3. Gilligan, I'm a long-time anonymous follower of your great blog. As enjoyable as all these covers are, your own comments are incredibly funny! I was laughing so hard at some of them that I was crying-- your humor makes Retrospace the place to be!

    ReplyDelete