Have A Very Lowbrow Christmas (Part 1)

Listen, my house looks like a Norman Rockwell Christmas in every way.  I live in a big old house that's all decorated for the holidays, I've got children who are still young enough to appreciate the magic of the season, and I even have a brand new puppy scampering around.

Indeed, it's so perfect I need an outlet for my jaded cynical self.  Christmas is for the inner child, Retrospace is for the outer man.  Time to put away those visions of sugarplums and get to the cigarette ads and lecherous Santas.

some assembly required

Think how much cooler Clement Moore's story would've been if this was the fella emerging from the fireplace.

There's something inherently tacky about sleazing up Santa.  Kris Kringle is such a symbol of childhood innocence and unsullied tradition. It's like when Mary Poppins takes her top off in S.O.B. (1981) - how can something so wrong feel so right?

Words simply cannot express how tacky this Japanese cover is.  It nearly transcends tackiness and enters into a hitherto unknown realm of tacky. Here  for the uncensored version.

Amazingly enough, this oddity of tastelessness finds its way to a German magazine cover.  WTF?

"Well, hello young ladies.  Have you been naughty or nice this year?..... Naughty? Well, why don't you tell Santa all about it."

Now that tobacco has become so verboten, it's amusing to look at vintage ads which try to make cigarettes as a part of Christmas as candy canes.  Get a load of how many festive cartons this couple has this Christmas morn!

We've already talked about how much Ole Santa loves him some miniskirts.  More of that here.

Missed opportunity for a series: A Carcass for Kwanzaa and A Stiff for Festivus

And what's a Lowbrow Christmas Special without a little Elvira?

Elvira is the queen of the dirty pun, and Christmas is loaded with pun-worthy words: the yule log, Santa's sack, and, oh yes, Christmas balls....

The way she's cradling those Christmas balls (shudder).... I'd like to stuff her stocking. Yeah, I'd like to deck her halls.  I could really trim her tree.  Oh, man, I'd love to come down her chimney. (rim shot)

I'll see myself out.

Many of you may be too young to remember flocking the Christmas tree - it's sort of gone out of vogue.  I loved it.

What made me think of flocking? Take another look at that picture.


(part II coming your way soon)


  1. Awesome, tidings of joy for us all here. HoHoHo!

  2. Soon as I saw the title of your post I thought, I hope there's an Easyriders-style pinup of a biker Santa on a motorcycle flanked by a smoking-hot babe. I was not disappointed!

    Merry Xmas Gilligan!

  3. I feel your pain. My wife and I just moved into our first house. There are still random boxes around, but the tree is up and our new neighbors and friends have been really great & everything has been so "nice" it's making me sick to my stomach - my wife feels the same way. So, last night while I was painting I threw in the burned copy I made of the horrible Christmas music compilation you put together last year.... my God that thing is horrible. And I mean that as the highest compliment. Thank you so much.

  4. "Retrospace is for the outer man"

    So, does this mean your female followers should look for other outlets for their nostalgic needs? How Ho ho horrible THAT would be.