Pancakes #8: Rules of Pancake Prevention

Okay, Rule Number One:  Never invite Ron Jeremy into your home.

He will ply you with sweet talk.  He will sway you with romantic gestures.  But know this, dear reader, once Ron Jeremy gains entrance to your domicile, pancakes are an inevitability.  Pancakeologists call this The Jeremy Law.  It's as unbreakable as the Laws of Thermodynamics.

If you can keep Ron Jeremy at bay, you are well on your way to Total Pancake Abstinence.  Let's have a look at what other measures and precautions are at your disposal.

Rule #2: Never enter a conventional box trailer parked at an abandoned truck stop

Granted, sometimes your business may necessitate this occurrence; so, if your job requires it, be mindful of your attire.  If possible, wear clothing that covers your extremities such as a pants suit or coveralls.

Again, we understand that it's not always possible to avoid entering trailers parked in abandoned truck stops.  However, it should be understood that your risk of Pancakes goes up exponentially once you cross the trailer threshold.

Rule #3: If a strange man is staring at you through your bedroom window, he probably wants pancakes.

As tempting as it might be to invite him in, it is probably in your best interest to lock your doors.  Don't make the mistake as this young lady and elect to ignore him.  Unlike a child who is encouraged to more unwanted behavior by attention, this situation is not best served by ignoring the stranger.

A popular argument is to ignore him in the hopes that he will simply masturbate and be on his merry way. Mayhaps this will occur on occasion; but it is probably not prudent to assume. Do you bring an umbrella to work on a cloudy day? If so, you know it is better to be safe than sorry.

Let's take an example to illustrate this very complicated point.  Jane and Judy are Political Science majors at California State University in San Bernardino.  Jane is studying for her African Studies midterm, while Judy reads the latest issue of The Economist on her bed.

Suddenly, a young man appears at their window violently masturbating.  He stares at Judy without blinking and is sweating profusely.  Jane says, "Look, Judy.  You have a secret admirer.  Let him in!"

Did Jane make the right call to avoid Pancakes? Explain your answer.

Rule #4: When frequenting your local watering hole, don't routinely drink so much you vomit and black out.

To best avoid Pancakes, one should make every attempt to not drink to the point of (1) involuntary defecation or (2) requiring medical attention.  And it should be noted that this rule does not apply exclusively to drinking establishments as we'll see in this next scenario.

Sharon has been enjoying polite conversation with Mark and Aayushmaan.  They have been discussing the Sacramento Kings' five game losing skid, and Sharon has been so engrossed that she lost track of how much she's been drinking.

Sharon suddenly realizes she's become hog whimpering, rat-arsed drunk. She also notices that they're not drinking bourbon, but rather Russian aftershave.  What should she do?

Sharon elects to give Mark an open mouthed kiss in the hope that the prideful Aayushmaan will become incensed with jealousy and challenge Mark to a duel.  While the two men fight for the honor of her loins, Sharon will escape into the patio.

Is this the most sensible approach to Pancake Prevention? We'll answer that in our next session.  Class dismissed.


  1. In the last two photos, Sharon looks like Mr. Humphries (from Are You Being Served?) in drag. Won't Mark be surprised when his pancakes are served with an extra helping of sausage?

    1. Exactly. There's no doubt that Sharon is a man. A man with long, beautiful gams.

  2. Today is National Pancake Day...

    1. J. Bevington TaliaferroFebruary 07, 2013

      So is today. I saw a sign I think.

  3. Mr. Jeremy is recovering from recent heart surgery even as we read this.

  4. You forgot to mention body language. The photos where the girls are spreading their legs or sticking out their ass. When a man sees that he thinks that the female in question is just screaming for pancakes!

  5. And if Ron Jeremy showed up and was denied pancakes he could always gnosh on his own chorizo.

  6. Hilarious... Thanks again for your awesome blog!

  7. J. Bevington TaliaferroFebruary 06, 2013

    OK. That was a valuable public service portrayed with tact and sensitivity, while not flinching from the harsh reality.

    And now, I must risk ridicule. I've been looking at this blog for months now and I totally like it?, but I must confess that I can't for the life of me figure out why "Pancakes" is a euphemism for "Rocking the Van" or "A Little Pickle Tickle."

    Is it just a random pick? Is it an inside joke that only the cool kids know? While I totally grok the meaning, I am slamming my head against a very hard, but tastefully textured, wall when it comes to the etymology.

    1. It's a completely random word. it was supposed to be only one post, but it was so much fun and got popular, I've kept it going.

    2. Welcome to the "cool kids" club, J!

    3. J. Bevington TaliaferroFebruary 07, 2013

      Ha ha. It is fun. It's extremely funny just on the face of it. And you will note that "pancakes" can be accessorized. "Pancakes with sausage" is a super-funny comment above. Just a great, great comment. I wish I'd thought of that.

      Speaking of cool kids and things totally random, "pancakes" reminds me of several months of my high school career (1970-1974) when a large group of like-minded individuals decided that when speaking to each other we were going to distill things down to the bare minimum. Every person would be referred to as "Brock." Every thing would be referred to as "Dog." in other words an associate might come up to me and say, "Hey Brock. We're gonna meet over at Brock's after dog gets out and cop some dog." I would answer, "S**t yes, Brock. I'll bring a 12 of dogs. Me and Brock are gonna go see a dog race later tonight, y'all wanna do that too? We can go in my dog, unless Brock comes and then we'll need two dogs."

      Obviously context was of vital importance. You had to live between the lines, and have deeply sensitive powers of intuition. You had to be plugged in for real, or you might just miss out. For some reason the girls weren't generally amused by all this and they refused to participate for the most part. Some of them pronounced it "immature" and "stupid." It seemed to really offend some of them to be addressed as "Brock." A few of the girls did think it was kind of cute how retarded and brutally dense it made us guys seem.

      But it really wasn't easy. It was so natural to call things what they were, and it was difficult to give those all- important clues without using the words that would have made it so easy. And some people could NOT keep a straight face; that was really bad form. It was a game, and it was a test to see who really did belong, and who couldn't hang with our private little language. My Dad understood it the second he happened to hear it one day. He laughed his ass off and called everybody in our family "Brock" for weeks. But he's a famous goofy f**k from way, way back. He used to obsess about what to call our actual family dog. He finally decided that "the dog is named Brock. Perfect. Simple."

      This little fad came directly out of nowhere. It was hilarious, and I mean hilarious, for about three months and then it suddenly went away. My brother and I still laugh about it every now and then. My wife, predictably, doesn't get it. When I described it too her, she looked both bored and slightly contemptuous. She kept asking questions like, "How did you know who you were talking about?" and "What if a 'dog' wasn't what you thought it might be?" and "That could cause serious problems." She also said it "didn't make any sense." (!!!!!!!) I said, "Wah da tah Brockola. I'm a tone pony, y'all."

  8. J. Bevington TaliaferroFebruary 06, 2013

    @SUZY8-TRACK. I can see where you might conclude that the women spreading their legs or sticking out their ass might be signaling their desire for sexual congress. But really, they could just be getting comfortable; airing things out etc.

    Social situations like those above can be fraught with peril because of the potential for misunderstanding. In the last one that young lady is playing a sad and dangerous game. If those two fellows go to fighting over her, they better watch out, because she could whup both their sorry asses, big as she is. Those two guys need to stick together. Then they might have a chance to avoid serious injury.

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  10. That is one cool customer at the bar. He already has the passed out broad so he puts all his attention to the conscious one.

  11. AnonymousJune 01, 2013

    Anyone knows from which movie/porn that first picture is from ?