A lot has been said on Retrospace about the likelihood of pancakes based on various snapshots. Yet, very little has been offered in terms of quantifying the pancake. In other words: attaching a numerical value to the probability of pancakes.

What would you say if I told you that we have developed just such a tool? Well, it's true. The R&D department at Retrospace has conducted a series of studies allowing us to actually apply mathematics to our pancake predictions.

Of course, our research involved a lot of calculus (and even some theoretical physics) which I won't bore you with. Suffice it to say, our results have been published in a peer reviewed scientific journal; however, the actual formula remains proprietary.

So, let's put our hard work to good use and quantify some pancakes!

Our findings strongly indicate that alcohol consumption greatly enhances the probability of pancakes. Plus, you can calculate pancake likelihood by the expressions on their faces. He seems to be somewhat oblivious despite the strategically placed hand on her knee.

Her look however demands closer inspection. She could be steeling herself before delivering a crushing rejection to her good friend. "I like you, Jerry. I really do. It's just that we have such a wonderful friendship, and I wouldn't want to lose that."

So, let's get another look at our female specimen...

Oh, yes. I would say we're looking at a Pancake Probability close to 98.

Let's try another...

At first blush, this looks like a 100 percent Pancake Probability. However, upon further inspection, I'm not quite so confident. For one, the two gentlemen are not necessarily heterosexual. Plus, she has not acknowledged their presence. So, there is every reason to believe she may not welcome their advances.

So far, I'm giving this a Pancake Probability of 35. Let's have another look at this scene to extrapolate more data and come to a more accurate number.

Modified Pancake Probability = 95.

Let's try another...

The red gloves and ample cleavage are not enough to figure into our calculations. However, the man in shades definitely is in pursuit of pancakes. But will his pursuit be fruitful? Plus, it looks like he's flanked by an annoying cock blocker - an automatic 10 point deduction. I put this Pancake Probability at a mere 25.

There is absolutely nothing here to indicate pancakes at any point downstream. Not only do they both appear disinterested, the man (given his appearance) obviously has some severe mental handicap.

The Pancake Probability is below 15; but the fan cooling things down and his likely foot odor bring the final number to a paltry 04 Pancake Probability. I'm confident in this number, but let's have another look to be absolutely sure.

Well, crap. We've learned a valuable lesson here today, folks. Pancake calculations are not an exact science. One minor oversight and your entire equation is rendered invalid. In this case, we missed the fact that they're working at a skin magazine. That is always a Pancake Probability of greater than 75.

It may be useful to note that gift exchange is an automatic +30 to the overall Pancake score. And this little encounter is already at a PP (Pancake Probability) of 75. Looks like this fella can solidly count on a round of pancakes. The numbers don't lie.

You may be surprised to learn that our calculations actually can account for the presence of ancient mill stones. That's how unbelievably extensive our study is. Ancient mill stones require a deduction of 04 points. I'd put the overall PP at around 43.

Where the presence of an ancient mill stone will require a 4 point deduction, the presence of Ron Jeremy requires the addition of 99 points.

This is an interesting one. Of all the studies we conducted, this is the only one which gave us a data point of 5000.... on a scale of 0 to 100. That means that it is with absolute scientific certainty that pancakes will occur. Amazing when you consider the fact that even remote variances like natural disasters and spontaneous human combustion will not prevent pancakes in this scenario.

Without giving away too much proprietary secrets, let's have a more detailed look at how we can obtain a definitive Pancake Probability:

Moustache (+23), blue socks with white shoes (-14), East Germany (-8), unbuttoned shirt (+18), her arm on his shoulder (+12), him staring directly at her boobs (+11), thick carpeting (+14).....

Plug these numbers and some other data into our equations

(where P= Pancake)

In this case, our Pancake Probability ends up at 08. Despite the positive indicators, still a very remote chance of pancakes.

Science, you fickle beast! Back to the drawing board.

The Ron Jeremy factor had me rolling!

ReplyDeleteThanks!

Brightened my work day!

ReplyDeleteThat was pretty funny. Who knew the Retrospace research department was so thorough to even include mill stones? I think in your last one you forgot to figure in the hose factor. Not just ordinary hose either, but leggings. That has to put the probability much higher.

ReplyDeleteMaybe your formula is missing a factor, or maybe you're just throwing us off so your formula remains proprietary, but I've got to think in the first photo of the two dudes in the Speedos with the girl, that the noticeable bulge in Mr. Red Suit has to be taken into account.

ReplyDeleteThis is strange but the guy from the last two pictures is holding polish newspaper "Tribune of the people" - it was official communist party newspaper in People's Republic of Poland.

ReplyDeletePolish communist pancakes?

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