Humor Mags #6: Cracked Predicts Life in the 21st Century
The July 1983 issue of Cracked magazine contained an article titled "Life in the 21st Century". This piqued my interest - what would this humor magazine from 30 years ago say about the world I'm living in? The article is woefully short - a mere three illustrated pages. Still, beggars can't be choosers. let's dive in!
Cracked kicks things off with a rather astute prediction: shopping will be done online. I'd say they nailed it.
To be honest, I won't shed a tear when online shopping completely takes over. When America still had thriving downtowns, it had character and it supported local store owners. When downtown dried up, we at least had the mall. Now those have largely been replaced by the outdoor shopping centers. Who actually needs to drive to a Bed, Bath and Beyond or Banana Republic?
". pro athletes will have gotten everything they want." Again. Nailed it.
I totally get the argument that there's billions of dollars being fed into the professional sports machine - so why shouldn't the guys doing the work get a slice of the pie? I'll tell you why - because it will ruin the game itself. Everything decision that MLB or the NFL makes should be based on one question: will this be good or bad for the fans?
Overpaid athletes has resulted in stacked teams in baseball, fan resentment, increase ticket prices, and no team loyalty. I'm not saying they should have to run a dry cleaning business on the side in order to make ends meet (like Yogi Berra did), but I do think we've long since crossed the line of common sense.
"...all the great rock groups will be coming out of retirement." Bingo!
Ever since the music industry sold its soul to the devil, and fixated on autotuned melismatic hacks to sell CDs, rock music has quietly died out. So, when a concert comes to town, who's selling out the coliseums? Well, the highest grossing tours for 2012 were Madonna, Springsteen, Roger Waters, Michael Jackson (even dead he beats any current artist), and Van Halen. Interspersed here and there by current douche bags like Kanye West and 'who gives a f**k'.
"... highways will be completely free of traffic." Sorry, Cracked. Not even close.
I certainly never expected to the skies to be full of planes as in the illustration, but I would have liked there to be some innovation in mass transit. We're basically still traveling in the vehicle as they did 60+ years ago - with only whistles and bells added. They still kill more people than wars, are hideously expensive (gas, insurance, car payments, tickets, tags, repair, maintenance!), pollute the environment, and make us dependent on Middle Eastern countries that hate our guts. Is it too much to ask to maybe try something new?
Thankfully, this hasn't come to pass....... yet. These days all you hear about is acts of terrorism, we forget that all those nuclear weapons that scared the hell out of us as kids are still out there. Just because the USSR is no more, doesn't mean we should be wiping our foreheads and proclaiming "that was a close one." And the sad fact is, more countries have nuclear capabilities than they did during the height of the atomic scare.... and we don't even have to get hit to get screwed. Once Pakistan and India start bombing the shit out of each other, we all get the benefits of a nice, crisp Nuclear Winter.
Way to end on a positive note, eh?