7/8/13

Retro Film Report #31: If You Don't Stop It, You'll Go Blind! (1975)


 If You Don't Stop It, You'll Go Blind (1975) is just a collection of off-color jokes put to film.  Consider it a film adaptation of a dirty joke book.... which is not necessarily a bad thing.

Lightweight, fun, ribald humor is a dead art. I think we're so inundated these days with much more graphic stuff, that cheeky humor just seems... well, a bit lame.  Perhaps it comes from being raised on Benny Hill, but I quite enjoy this type of comedy - a lot more than today's comedians which sort of remove the "fun" and replace it with very graphic often self-debasing personal stories.  Ugh.  Do your self-therapy in private, Jim Norton and Louie CK.


But I'll stop my editorial there, because I could go on for days. As to this movie, I really can't give it a proper review except to say that if you like vintage cocktail lounge comedy, you'll appreciate this film.  There's no plot, just joke after joke. Some of which, I've displayed below.

I've made the images black and white because the only copy I was able to view was poor quality, and B&W somewhat hides the dishwater color palette.  I'd love to see If You Don't Stop It, You'll Go Blind! (1975) in HD, but for now I'll have to settle for a crummy VHS transfer. I'm not holding my breath for a Blu-Ray edition.

So, a naked woman is stuck on a toilet.  Her husband had just shellacked the lid, and now he'll need to call the fire department to come unglue her.


She requests something to cover her up, so her husband hands her a cowboy hat which she subsequently puts on her lap.

The firemen arrive and inspect the scene.


"We can save your wife, mister...... but the cowboy's a goner."
 BA-DA-BOOM! I'm here all night folks.  There's plenty more where that came from.

In a sex clinic class, the instructor asks one of the students, "Do you talk to your wife while you're having sex?"


The black guy on the third row responds, "Yeah.  If I'm near a phone."
(Insert canned laughter)

Note Uschi Digard in the second row.  I don't think she ever wore clothing.  Perhaps she had some sort of allergy to textiles.


"Being married to Harry is a real hassle.  If his penis was even a half an inch longer, I couldn't stand it."
To which her friend responds, "Me neither."

Ugh.  I never claimed the jokes were good.  If you're rolling your eyes, just know that this movie was successful enough to have a sequel: Can I Do It 'Till I Need Glasses? (1977)


"We're here on The Wide World of Athletics interviewing the wife of a famed golfer.  Tell me, miss, is there anything you do for your husband to prepare for the big tournament?"

"Oh, yes.  I rub his balls."


"You rub his balls? How does that help his golf game?"
"Oh, it straightens out his putts."

Back to the sex clinic...


Instructor: "Do you use Vaseline?"
Woman Student: "Oh, yes.  All the time."
Instructor: "Where do you apply it?"
Woman Student: "The doorknob"
[shocked look on instructor's face]
Woman Student: "It keeps the kids from coming in the room when we're having sex."


Game Show Host: "That's a very interesting town you're from.  Were you born in Wedlock?"
Contestant: "No.  I was born outside of Wedlock."


Game Show Host: "For two hundred dollars, what were Eve's first words to Adam?"
Contestant: "Gosh that's a hard one."
Game Show Host: "CORRECT! Congratulations! You've just won two hundred dollars!"


If this movie is at all appealing to you, you can buy it and support Retrospace, or any of these other similar films.  Thanks!




6 comments:

  1. This looks funny. Is this film American or British?

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  2. You can stream for free if you are Amazon Prime.

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    Replies
    1. Well, if I were THAT kind of lady then I might. But seeing as I was brought up to be better than that, I will not partake in any such dalliance.

      Now if you will excuse me I have to go stream "up Stairs or I'll go blind" er I mean Amazons of the Prime. . .
      I mean . . . .

      Oh heck.

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  3. Louis CK has just as much a place in the comedy world as lame smut jokes. The difference is, anyone can do lame smut jokes, but only Louie can do Louie. His TV show is one of the high points of American TV in the 21st Century. Besides being funny and touching, it's also done one thing that no other movie or TV show could ever do; make me almost like NYC.

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  4. AnonymousJuly 13, 2013

    Uschi Digart FTW. Here's 59+ pages of her:

    http://www.vintage-erotica-forum.com/showthread.php?t=9173&highlight=Uschi+Digard

    "Can I Do It 'Till I Need Glasses?" was much the same, and featured two minutes of some upstart comedian named Robin Williams. His scenes were cut from the 1977 film, then re-inserted when he became a star, to the point where he received top billing at its 1980 re-release:

    http://www.cracked.com/article_19287_10-movies-that-famous-people-dont-want-you-to-see_p2.html

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  5. I don't know, I thought these jokes were pretty funny!

    Another one from the movie:
    (Wife talking to husband)
    "Honey, I was at the doctor today and he said I had a beautiful body"

    "Yeah?, well did he say anything about your fat ass"

    "No, your name was never mentioned"



    Yes, I did laugh damn it!

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