10/23/13

Vintage Scan # 27: Donny & Marie Coloring Book (1977)


I found this Donny & Marie coloring book from 1977 and felt the need to share.  Far be it from me to make fun of it - there's nothing wrong with a little D&M love.  However, the artwork is so incomprehensibly poor and the content itself so mind-bendingly inane, I can't help but smile at its overall badness.

For instance, I can't imagine even the most ardent D&M fan enjoying the laborious process of coloring in Donny Osmond packing a suitcase, or holding a plane ticket, or any other page of eye-watering mundanity. But then, this is an el-cheapo Whitman coloring book, so what was I expecting?

Anyway, here's a good bit of the coloring book scanned for your viewing enjoyment.  Thank you, and the pleasure was mine.




The back cover - slightly uncomfortable with Donny's attire.


Osbro Productions (obviously the company of the Osmond Brothers) was formed in 1971 in Ogden, UT. The company was headed by George Osmond and was attached to anything from Osmond lunchboxes and posters to the trademarked family name itself.


The "plot" of this coloring book is:  D&M go on a trip to a dude ranch. 


Why did Donny guess "the tooth fairy"?  I assume it's a reference to their giant pearly whites which were the object of many jokes back in the day... but it's still odd.


Can you even comprehend coloring this - even at the most bored moment in your life?  My family vacations during the seventies involved driving from Cape Cod down to Miami every Christmas in a little blue Volkswagon bug. As a child stuffed into the backseat for hours upon hours, I had to stockpile coloring books for the endless journey..... even then, I wouldn't have had it in me to color Donny Osmond packing a torn sock.


Many of you may not remember Donny's trademark purple socks.  The seventies were a strange time. A strange time indeed.


I'm guessing these two pages refer to the "comedic" situation of Donny having tons of luggage and Marie being left to carry them.  Is there a subtle wit underlying these pages that I'm missing?


Another beautiful thing about this coloring book is that the caricatures bear no likeness to D&M whatsoever.


The excitement builds, the tension mounts - I can hardly stand the suspense.


Check out the swinger behind Marie. Nice touch.  And gone are the days of worrying about forgetting your plane ticket.  Just tell 'em your name and the airline has your life story already on the computer.  In fact, I fly every month and rarely speak to a live person in ticketing - it's kiosks all the way.


Bitch!  You mean to tell me that you held everyone up (possibly missing their flight) so you could teach Donny a stupid lesson in remembering?


I can only assume that Donny has been reunited with his lover, and they have landed in a town where ascots are required neckwear.


I'm not going to say a damn thing about the way Marie is taking care of that hot dog.  Not going to say a damn thing.  No comment.


I don't reckon folks in these parts take a likin' to Donny's perty purple socks.... might have to teach ole Donny a lesson behind the woodpile.  A lesson he won't soon forget.


Wow.  The frenetic pace just won't let up.  Donny drives while Marie decides to walk. This is a real page turner


Get ready for this next one folks.  I say this without a bit of sarcasm - this next scene is why I was compelled to scan this coloring book and preserve it for the ages.  You won't be disappointed.


Get ready...


Payoff!


Admittedly, it's impossible to follow an act like that, but there's still some pages left in the coloring book to explore.


The dude ranch story sort of ended with Marie getting a wad in the face; from there, things get random as D&M jaunt from one vacation spot to the next.  One minute they're sunning on a beach, the next skiing or riding bikes.


D&M glam it up for their big concert.  She's a little bit country, he's a little bit rock'n'roll.  And by "little bit" I mean something close to a Planck Length


After the concert, Marie signs all the girls' autographs while Donny has some alone time with a young male groupie.

THE END.


17 comments:

  1. Love it. Thanks.

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  2. Gilligan -- Your comments are pure GOLD, baby... hilarious!

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  3. you can't tell me the writers/artists behind this weren't rolling on the floor laughing, bounced ideas off each other on how to inject sexual innuendo into this.

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  4. So did Donny twist a cow's teat so he could aim it at Marie's face? How did the cow feel about that? How long did it take Donny to realise he could twist a cow's teat that far and aim it upwards? What's the range of milk squirted from an udder?

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  5. Planck length? I'd explain that for scientifically challenged, but they'd be board with it.

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  6. Marie deserved that wad in the face after pulling that airplane ticket stunt. If my little sister had pranked me like that she'd still be walking at an angle.
    I see you didn't include any of the pictures of clothes that could be cut out and placed over the D and M figures on the back cover. Thank you for showing mercy.
    To think that Marie's lucrative life as a weight loss program pitchwoman started with a hot dog at a dude ranch.

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  7. Gilligan, at first I thought you were going too far with this, then I started crying I was laughing so hard at your remarks. Brilliant.

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  8. Can you imagine being the poor bastard tasked with drawing this? No wonder he couldn't resist slipping in a few innuendo. In the infamous hot dog scene Marie's left hand looks like its cupping the...um, nevermind.

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    1. Wow, nice catch! Yep that she is, that she, is my friend!

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    2. Love Donny's expression as well!...

      probably thinking about cornering Marie.. oh never mind

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  9. This isn't a simple innocent "coloring book", oh no, no no! It is a manual on How to Build an Internet Porn Site. Consider the following subjects broached (if only implicitly): incest, homosexuality, bestiality (poor cow), and finally, Marie's, um, how should I put this oh so delicately "Big Moment".

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  10. Priceless. Just priceless.

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  11. This makes me yearn for a found-footage snuff film starring Shields and Yarnell. Is that so wrong ?

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  12. My jaw dropped at the milk-shot

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  13. AnonymousJune 18, 2014

    Gosh, Marie was hot in those days, not too bad today, either! I say pancakes for all!

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  14. geeze guys get yer heads outta the gutter. btw, is there any truth to ......

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  15. That's pretty awesome! Have shared it to my Pinterest friends! I have actually gotten back to colouring cos mandalas are therapeutic to colour!

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