Escape from Galaxy 3 (1981)/ Princess Warrior (1989)
Tonight's Double Feature: Two 80s sci-fi movies about foxy space princesses who are pursued by an evil nemesis and must flee to a strange, far-off planet called Earth... and there they find the meaning of love. Enjoy.
Escape from Galaxy 3 (1981)
When your science fiction movie starts with a song that sounds like Streisand, you know you're in for an interesting trip. I don't know who sings it, or what it's called - all I know is it's horrible...
Aboard a large space ship, we meet the king, his lovely daughter, Princess Belle Star (Sherry Buchanan), and the dashing Lithan (Fausto Di Bella). They're in a panic - the evil Oracion has just appeared. His army far outnumbers theirs - will these peace-loving people the evil hordes of Oracion?
But wait a tick...
It looks like his daughter is wearing a space-outfit of half spandex, half sheer mesh with a star covering her tit. I'm confused - my understanding is that this is a PG rated Star Wars cheap knock-off for kids. This outfit has no place in that world.
Of course, this is an Italian film, and our American rules do not apply here.
Holy shit - this is Oracion?!? Can you say Parliament-Funkadelic?
"If you hear any noise, It's just me and the boys
Hit me, you gotta hit the band, Ain't nothing but a party, y'all"
A cosmic battle ensues. As you might guess, it's a poor-man's Star Wars battle, but the background music is some seriously funky disco (which more than makes up for the Streisand intro).
Their only hope for survival is for Lithan and Belle Star to escape in a small ship and seek help from a nearby planet.
Oracion sees that Lithan and the king's daughter have escaped. He is pissed. Check out this conversation between Oracion and his general, Jamal - how's this for sci-fi mumbo jumbo...
Oracion: "We must find them! Use a mega-mech tele-probe and scan the whole eastern galaxy!"
Jamal: "But sire!-"
Oracion: "Wait!.... Including the equidistant conic tangents."
Jamal: "Yes m'lord."
Well what do we have here? It seems Lithan and the princess have found the perfect place to land their ship - a beautiful blue planet. You guessed it. The cheapest way to make a science fiction film is to have it take place on Earth.
But the natives aren't too keen on the alien arrivals. Belle estimates they are 30,000 years behind theirs. These primitive dumbasses don't understand their sexy Jetsons outfits and laser guns. They take Lithan and Belle captive at the point of their spears.
Lithan saves a child from falling off a cliff, and the humble villagers are instantly won over. They accept the two into their community... and Lithan and the princess are quick to take on their native customs. I think Belle is wearing nothing but loose strings... and I've got no problem with that.
Evidently, their prehistoric attire consists of miniskirts and high heels - again, I've got no problem with that. Unfortunately, the men wear miniskirts/togas as well, which is a bit unseemly.
Lithan and Belle teach the villagers about making fire and building dams... and the villagers teach them about making sweet, sweet love.
Evidently, love isn't a thing where they come from, and Belle is turning into an absolute nympho. At one point she does the nasty with a village boy and we get to see Sherry Buchanan's boobs, which is nice. You don't get see Princess Leia's boobs, so score one for Escape from Galaxy 3.
After a long night of revelling, the villagers randomly turn against Lithan and Belle. A fight ensues - the two aliens take on the whole village using only their expert karate moves. But they spare the lives of the idiot villagers and escape to their ship.
It's out of the frying pan and into the fire as the two lovebirds are captured by Oracion. I can only assume they are aboard the Mothership, top of the chocolate milky way, flying at 500,000 kilowatts of P Funk power.
As you'd expect, they manage to kick Oracion's ass (but not before their home planet is destroyed - oh, well). Homeless, the princess and Lithan decide to go back to "earth" and make sweet love with the primitives. The End.
Yes, this film is utter garbage.... but amazingly watchable garbage, utterly enjoyable garbage.... so, is it really garbage, then? Let's not think too much on it - the bottom line is this: Sherry Buchanan is close-to naked throughout (this film has to hold the record for nipslips with that ropey dress), there's dynamite disco music, Parliament Funkadelic, and such hilariously bad moviemaking that it's bound to be a blast to watch with friends. I have no choice but to recommend this.
Princess Warrior (1989)
The Queen Mother is dying, and the question is - who will take take the throne? Will it be the good daughter (left) Ovule, or her bitch sister (right) Curette?
On her deathbed, the Queen Mother scandalizes the Vulkarians by declaring her daughter Ovule over Curette, even though Curette is the eldest.
A lightsaber battle ensues...
I'm pretty certain that, were this made today, they would have been sued to kingdom come. The lightsabers even make the same noises as in Star Wars.
I would criticize how godawful the melee is, but then I remember the lame duel between Darth Vader and Obi Wan in A New Hope.
Ovule escapes by a Star Trek Transporter. But unlike the one on the Enterprise, you have to be naked. The explanation is that you can't get in there with anything inorganic.
I can already tell at this point that we're not going to get to see the goods on actress Sharon Lee Jones. This is a prime opportunity for some serious gratuitous nudity, but we see nada.
This is Jones' first acting role. She'd go on to small parts in Murder She Wrote, Silk Stalkings, and Step by Step, and Night Court.
And where does Ovule transport to? Why, a New York City wet t-shirt contest, of course. (Sadly, another opportunity for gratuitous nudity squandered by Ms. Jones.)
We do have to sit through a full wet t-shirt contest - which, at first blush, doesn't seem like such a bad thing. But it's filmed poorly and gets severely monotonous. You know you're a horrible director when you can make a wet-shirt contest boring.
Ovule undeservedly wins the contest, but before they can crown her champion, she runs off frightened and confused.
But she's pursued by the club's DJ, Bob (Mark Pacific in his only role). who gains her trust and takes her back to his place.
Meanwhile, Curette is hot on her trail. (Thankfully, actress Dana Fredsti isn't so bashful.) Her and a couple of her minions teleport to the same seedy dive via the Nude Star Trek Transporter.
Fredsti only acted in a couple additional roles (including being an unnamed swordfighter in Army of Darkness). In 2003 she wrote, directed and produced a documentary on rescuing stray cats.
At this point I have to ask - what is the point of them following Ovule? I mean, she's gone and they've established that there's no way for her to come back. I know Curette is a feisty bitch and all, but take Ovule's departure as a gift, and enjoy your time as queen.
I guess I'm over thinking something that's meant to be watched with cerebrum turned "off". So, anyway.... within minutes, they've kicked the asses of all the horny losers in the club and resumed their pointless hot pursuit of Ovule.
Just when Curette has captured her sister and is ready to blow her brains out, the police arrive and arrest them.
And when I say police, I mean third-rate Lethal Weapon ripoff. Just picture Danny Glover and Mel Gibson (doing a terrible Andrew Dice Clay impression) and you just about have it.
"Jack and Jill went up the hill Both with a buck and a quarter, Jill came down with $2.50 - OH!!"
What follows is a chase scene that feels like it's an hour long. The cops are chasing Curette and her henchwomen, who are chasing Bob and Princess Ovule. Terrible car chases, terrible gunplay, and endless running.
It all ends with the cops wasting Curette's girls, and taking Curette downtown. Bob and Ovule find the nude transporter and go back to her home planet together. And still no nudity from Sharon Lee Jones - at one point her boobs are literally blurred out. Ugh.
This movie has all the makings of B-movie gold: hot aliens and wet t-shirt contests should spell victory for any midnight movie... but not here. Unfortunately, director Lindsay Norgard pulls punches all along the way. You can't half-ass it and expect your straight-to-VHS to become a cult favorite.
If audiences are going to overlook the shit acting, terrible script, and bargain bin budget, you have to compensate with over-the-top violence and nudity. That's the exploitation film way - but Norgard dropped the ball... and Gilligan does not approve.