Kid Stuff #2: Horrible Halloween Treats

After the trick-or-treating is done, it's time to dump out the sack and check your loot. Amid the piles of mini Mr. Goodbars and Tootsie Rolls, there was always a few stinkers. Here's a retrospace list of crappy Halloween candy.

1. wax lips
First of all, I don't like to eat candles. Second, you running around with a pair of fake lips is not my kind of funny. And speaking of eating pure wax - remember those wax soda bottles filled with a micro-liter of colored sugar water? No thanks.

2. black licorice
The slogan should be: The candy that tastes just like medicine!
The folks at Good-n-Plenty (AKA black licorice's bastard child) took the next logical step and formed the licorice into pill shapes.

3. candy corn
(AKA tri-colored crap)

Who would have thought that pure corn syrup could taste this bad? Obviously, many would disagree given that there's actually a candy corn flavored soda out there (I wouldn't go looking for this at your health food store).

4. pixie stix
I simply shouldn't have to work so hard for a few grains of sugar. Maybe I'm a bit slow, but I usually ended up consuming more sopping wet paper than sugar.

5. circus peanuts
I don't know what these vile Styrofoam-like pieces of alien matter are made of, but I am told they are supposed to be banana flavored. Suffice it to say, they are an abomination and should be considered a biohazard.

and the worst of all....

6. Necco wafers, or as I prefer to call them "slices of chalk".

I think it's only fair to point out that candy cigarettes were just as chalky. However, the "cool factor" associated with this candy elevated it to the trick-or-treat "good pile".

Just what kids want in their trick-or-treat bag - a box of cereal! I guess it's better than a box of raisins, which I would often get.

Of course, I'm older now and liable to get arrested for knocking on people's doors demanding treats. Now, nothing says October 31st like Budweiser.

By the way, I visited the imaginary world while creating this post and stumbled upon the long forgotten Marathon bar (ad here). Perhaps this would be a good idea for a future retrospace post - forgotten candy. Anyone remember the Bit-o-Honey?


  1. I remember wax lips. Those things were yucky.

    I did always love candy cigarettes. It was cool holding them between my lips like I was really smoking.

    P.S. I started a new blog called Sugar & Spice (about the beautiful women of the 60's and 70's).

  2. Mmmm...circus peanuts....

    You forgot to add those horrid Mary Jane peanut butter candies which were always one of the last things at the bottom of the goodie bag. ;)

  3. Bit-o-Honey is some nasty stuff. Almond bits embedded in a honey-flavored taffy. It screams "stick to my teeth and get those little bits stuck in good".

  4. Keith- Sugar and Spice is an awesome blog... where do you find the time?

    Late One- Forgot about those... yuck. Remember those candies that were colored and shaped like little pumpkins? Pure sugar grossness... almost as bad as the vanilla Tootsie Rolls or the gum that came with baseball cards.

    Savage- Has there EVER been a kid whose favorite candy is Bit-O-Honey? Not a pleasant candy experience to say the least.

  5. I like Bit-O-Honey. I also love chocolate Necco wafers. I have to admit that the peanut butter toffee things would not be eaten, though.

  6. As a child, I was a fiend for raisins. The neighborhood dentist always handed out raisins, and I would always spend the next days after every Hallowe'en trading out other candies for those boxes of sticky shriveled grape goodness. Some of my hauls were truly epic.