Vinyl Dynamite #10

"Telephone Man" by Meri Wilson was a 1977 novelty hit filled with suggestive lyrics and her breathy squealing voice. (Listen to it on YouTube here) Originally a serious balladeer, Wilson capitalized on the success of "Telephone Man" and began to specialize in double entendre. She followed up with the songs "Dick The D.J." and "Peter, The Meter Reader" with much less applause.

A taste of the lyrics:

"Hey, baby, I'm your telephone man
You just show me where you want it and I'll put it where I can
I can put it in the bedroom,
I can put it in the hall
I can put it in the bathroom,
I can hang it on the wall
You can have it with a buzz,
you can have it with a ring
And if you really want it,
you can have a ding-a-ling
Because-a hey baby, I'm your telephone man

The vinyl dynamite album featured this week is titled Today's Top Hits Featuring Telephone Man by the Homesteaders. The only problem is, the song is not actually on the album! Was there a miscommunication? No comprendo.

Today's Top Hits
click here to view full size

The record is full of your standard top hits of the day like "Feels Like the First Time", "Undercover Angel" and "Margaritaville", all performed horribly by the Homesteaders (whoever the hell they are). The fact that The Eagles' "Life in the Fast Lane" is on here makes me wonder if they even got permission (Henley and Frey are pretty stingy with their music).

Although "The Telephone Man" is nowhere to be found, it does contain the hilarious disco hit "Ain't Gonna Bump No More (With No Big Fat Woman)". Sorry for the poor quality- the record is not in the best shape. But it simply has to be heard.

Disco always had such wonderfully poetic lyrics. Bob Dylan is probably envious he didn't write these charming words:

Somebody take her, I don't want her
She done hurt my hip, she done knocked me down
Somebody take her, I don't want her
Say, Leroy, you can have this one, dude

But it's not just the music that attracts me to this compilation LP. I adore the album cover - it is so beyond bad. The couple in the picture are obviously cut and pasted onto a picture of a doll house. I don't mean a Photoshop cut and paste, I mean scissors and glue. You can see where they forgot or were too lazy to cut out the space between her right arm and body. Plus, the man and woman appear to be levitating in mid air. I love it!


  1. Well it's Homestead Records, so I'd say the Homesteaders were the house band. And when I say "house" I mean home, not office or studio. Probably a little company run by a family and/or friends.

    I vaguely remember the Telephone Man song.

  2. I completely missed Telephone Man when it was out. In 1977 I wasn't listening to the sort of radio station which would have played it. Can't say I'm sorry to have missed it. I almost never listen to music on the radio today. I wonder what gems I'm missing?

  3. retrohound - Maybe not even "house" - maybe "storage shed out back".

    capewood - I assure you, you aren't missing any gems... that is, unless you like songs that shout "Glocks and hoes!"

  4. Found this at a swap meet. It had 2 records stuffed inside the single sized sleeve and there on side IV was Telephone Man. You gotta find the other record....