Opinions and Rants #16: Darrin Must Die

I've been watching TV now for about forty years - that's four decades of staring blankly at the tube. You might say I'm a seasoned veteran in television viewing, so I speak with some degree of authority when I say that Darrin is a bastard and Samantha should lay some black magic voodoo on his sorry ass.

I'm sorry. Did that sound a bit harsh? Well, I've hated Darrin since I was in diapers (the cloth kind - no synthetic resin diapers back then), so this is coming from about two scores of years, and was bound to erupt at some point.

So what's my beef with ol' Darrin? For one, he is constantly on Samantha's ass. But most of all it's because he never wants her to do magic.

In other words, it's okay for Sam to scrub the dishes while he chills with Larry Tate on the patio. She begs for him to allow her to just twitch her nose and get the job done since it's such a big mess.  He responds, "Well, just this once, Samantha. But I'll be out in the backyard. I can't bear to watch you use your witchcraft!"  Screw you, Darrin. God forbid you pick up a dish rag. Ass.

I know this is the days of Mad Men, and you're probably thinking that if I'm picking on Darrin, I should pick on all men of that era.  This isn't about gender equality. This is about Sam bailing Darrin out of trouble each and every episode, and Darrin rewarding her by not allowing her to do magic.  Without Sam, Larry Tate would've canned Darrin a loooong time ago.  But she always bent over backwards for her man.

Let's look at this logically, Darrin.  And I'm talking to both Dicks, Sargent and York.  What's the downside?  Let's say that hot headed cotton top, Larry, finally throws you to the curb.  Tell Sam to twitch her nose and PRESTO! a million greenbacks sitting on the coffee table. Problem solved.

Some might argue that Darrin just places value on making ones own way in the world. Magic is the easy way - with magic you don't need hard work, determination and good character.  And I definitely see that perspective..... however, Darrin is a complete fuck up, so he can't claim that's his reasoning.  Sam bails him out of trouble 24-7.

Another argument might be that magic can create trouble of its own.  What seems like the easy way, may actually create more problems than it solves.  For instance, on the day Darrin has an important client over to the house for dinner, there's a cow in the living room!

Well, newsflash Darrin: you married a witch! You don't marry the Green Lantern and tell him to put away his ring. But with these powers comes some degree of baggage.  If you wanted a perfectly normal suburban life, perhaps you shouldn't have married a witch!

Yeah, that's some kind of attitude. I don't deny he loves her, but he just needs to get a clue.  Maybe a little marriage counselling from Doctor Bombay? Whatever the case, it's only a matter of time before Sam gets sick of his crap and goes medieval on his ass.  That would've been one fine final episode, and I'd finally have the closure I need after all these years.


  1. Too bad Sam never wiggled her nose, and made "Durwood" into less of an uptight dork. Even as a ten year old, I thought mansion, pool, new Corvette. Too young to think about the rest!

  2. On the plus side, it was hinted at more than once that the witches led extremely long lives. Darrin would probably be dead by now,and Sam would be off on her own or with a more modern dude who APPRECIATES her for who and what she is. :)

  3. Man, Darrin looks all buff in the strip telling her he'll "be in the back yard". Who knew??

  4. I never knew what Sam saw in Durwood. He's a character i just never liked. Loved Sam and all her Witchy friends.

  5. Don't ask me to explain it but that's the way it was in those days and earlier. You found someone you thought would be a good mate, asked them to marry you and after the wedding expected them to give up or sublimate everything that attracted you in the first place and build a new persona, "Mrs. YOU" quickly. This new persona would be based on your needs and interests. You were sometimes even expected to give up your friends and make your husband's friends' wives into your NEW friends. You still see this in a lot of old movies and in some lower class regions of the US but even as a child I couldn't figure it! Stupidity!

  6. Major nelson is even more stupid on I Dream of Jeannie

  7. I used to dream of the day when I'd be married to Samantha. I knew I could take better care of her than those two Darrens did, wink wink, nudge nudge.

  8. don - Or how about make Larry Tate less like Dabney Coleman?

    wings - Somehow that made me feel better to know Samantha has the lifespan of a Hobbit.

    barbara- Those comic book artists were a bit too used to drawing musclebound superheroes.

    drake - especially Serena... giddyup!

    booksteve- Too true. Mrs. Cleaver might've been a neurosurgeon if it weren't for that control freak, Ward.

    rick - Yes, but so is Jeannie - so it kind of evens out. :-)

    Dr. Monkey (is it M.D. or Ph.D. BTW?) - Umm, the second Darrin was a little light in the loafers anyway; that Darrin would've been better matched with Uncle Arthur.

  9. I feel the same way about Andy Griffith's second girlfriend Helen Crump. Well, she crumped up that show alright. Jeez, how can you even compare her to the smokin' hot Elinore Donahue.

  10. Is it just me, or is that top picture kind of, well, kinky?

  11. tim - No lie. Elinore was one foxy pharmacist.

    jm- I don't know. Dick looks genuinely terrified.

  12. Man, Darren complaining about Samantha using her magic is like someone who buys a house next to an airport complaining about the noise. Well, step aside, Darren, there's a whole bunch of us who'd be ready to take your place! Ingrate.

  13. I was taken a bit back when I saw your post title because well... my name is Darrin. LOL! But yes.. Darrin err... THAT Darrin is a putz.

  14. Speaking of Darren, did you know that I was born a few days after Tabatha was "born"? Tabatha would be 47 years old now. Wrap your head around that one!

  15. I'd like to see someone do a comic about McMahon & Tate trying to directly compete for a contract against SCDP!
    Both groups meet up in some oyster bar or something, and Larry Tate & Roger Sterling exchange semi-friendly insults; Darren asks Don Draper a few questions and Don gives Darren a snarky look and tells him to do his own damn work.
    Serena shows up, much to Darren's dismay, but equally to Larry's delight!
    After many martini's, Serena takes both Larry and Roger to some fancy hotel suite where they get their naughtiness on.
    The next morning, the two white-haired ad men leave, and five minutes later Don shows up.
    Later in the day she also fools around with Pete Campbell,Burt Cooper, and the ghost of Lane Pryce.
    The client (let's say Cadillac) decides to hear pitches from both agencies at Darren Steven's house.
    Sam has to use her witchcraft to whip up a quick dinner, and general conversation ensues before the pitches are given.
    And in walks Serena....and every man at the table whispers to the other, "I've hit that!" (or whatever mod late 60's version of that term is).
    Every one except Darren, who tells them he would never do such a thing because he's married.
    Don Draper just laughs and explaims that having a spouse doesn't stop him from getting some action on the side, like any real man would want, and right there the representative from Cadillac announces, before any pitches are given, that he chooses SCDP to represent them since they obviously understood Cadillac's clientele.
    When everyone left (with Larry Tate informing Darren that he is close to losing his job), Darren asks Serena why she did what she did.
    "Sorry, Derwood - I'm a free spirit, I've got to spread my legs and fly!"
    Samantha, confused, attempts to correct Serena - "Um, Serena, I think you meant you need to spread your wings and fly."
    "Not in HER case!" replied Darren.

  16. This is probably the reason why I like Sabrina The Teenage Witch more, which I also grew up with.
    I suppose if Sabrina had married Aaron he might of been like the new Darren.

  17. A guy that hates magic and is also unattractive. Elephant ears. lol.