Vintage Reads #16: Bad Books

There's been some unbelievably bad books published over the years. Let's take a look at just a few...

Stare deep into his eyes; he will entrance you.  Look into eyes; he will control you.  He is the Man with Mad Eyes, and he will "use his evil power for sensual satisfaction"!



Easily one of the worst titles in history.  I don't know quite what to say other than ask where's the asses' milk? That looks like blood - do these asses have bloody lactation? And how does someone actually come to be IN asses' (plural) milk?  It's obviously Biblical.... perhaps, I'm just not up on my Old Testament.

...and speaking of disgusting titles...


The Juice of Love?  Uh, no thanks... I'll just have a water. 

And speaking of love juice...


moving on...


Okay, I know - this could be a useful book to a veterinarian.  For some reason this just struck me as an odd book nonetheless.  "Over 300 ACTION PICTURES" WTF?  It sounds like sheep porn.  And what is a TV Vet anyway? I'm so confused.

At least it provides a nice segue to the next book...


Anyone out there ever read this book?  It looks terrible... but at the same time intriguing.  The horse is dead, but is the woman dead? And why is she clutching a guitar? Enquiring minds want to know.


I think every home in the seventies had one of these awful pantyhose crafts somewhere.  We made them in school..... God, they were ugly.  My mother-in-law still has her kids' pantyhose crafts on display..... a constant source of embarrassment.

And speaking of embarrassment, imagine being caught reading this next little number...

It would seem Rubber Dolly needs an extension cord. Should've splurged and got the battery powered Dolly.

I'll tell you who doesn't need a Rubber Dolly, gas or electric.  That's those lusty dietitians.  We've head all about the amorous adventures of doctors and nurses.  It's about time the dietitians get their due! Soon to be followed by the Horny Phlebotomist.

And evidently dietitians ain't the only ones getting their game on.  Driving instructors have their own lascivious exploits to tell.  Not sure what's going on in this cover photo, but I'm sure it's naughty - those driving instructors are such hedonists!


  1. What these books reflect is the overproduction and overspecialization in books. This was the golden age of book publishing when a little book on just being a creative cook with mayonnaise was able to get published. Of course any book on sex has a perennial, primal interest. But the feeling I get from this blog is sadness over the loss of a time when books still excited people and there was room for all this sort of excess. Indeed these books are so funny they serve to make us laugh here on retrospace - so many years later. These titles and covers are funnier than what some of our current comedy writers come up with and these writers today are intentionally trying to be funny.

  2. Mary Shomette Gooch will be my new pen name, thanks.

  3. Funny stuff! I remember those pantyhose crafts...my sister had made one and it sat around for years! I think I saw it as recently as 5 years ago in either my sister's or parent's basement.

  4. I would totally read "The Horse is Dead" if given the chance. At least it has the honesty to call itself "a tasteless novel".

  5. Fred! You stole my idea!

  6. http://www.abebooks.com/books/weird/index.shtml

  7. The Amorous Dietitian? Someone was really scrounging for titles that day.

  8. It all comes back to me...

    Cue '70's detective show theme music:

    Deep voiced announcer: Ricky Columbo is the TV Sheep Vet.

    Play video: 30 seconds of very agitated sheep with a balding, white haired guy in the background.

    Deep voiced announcer: A Quinn Martin Production.

    Deep voiced announcer: Tonight's episode: Shear me or Fear Me.

    Cue Easy Off Oven Cleaner commercial

  9. The spoon is bigger than the neck of that jar of mayonnaise. Why does that bother me so much?