Retro Badass #4: Chuck Norris

1983 Chuck Norris

I know the whole "Chuck Norris Facts" thing is over a year old, but I can't help it - I still find them funny.  Here's some of my favorite Chuck Norris Facts; feel free to leave me some of your own favorites in a comment.  I can never get enough of these.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris’ sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

Whoever said “only the good die young” was probably in Chuck Norris’s kindergarten class.

Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for “Chuck Norris’ basement”.

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

Two wrongs don’t make a right. Unless you’re Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.

They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be “Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick.”

When taking the SAT, write “Chuck Norris” for every answer. You will score over 8000.

In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck killed that man.

Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now the Islands.

Before the Boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks in his closet and under his bed for Chuck Norris.

There is no creationism. There is no evolution. There are only the species that Chuck Norris has allowed to survive.


  1. These are hilarious! Here are a few i've seen here and there on the innernets:

    Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.

    When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he's not lifting his body up, he's pushing the earth away.

    Jesus could walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through stone.

  2. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

    Chuck Norris once ordered a Whopper from McDonalds... and got it. Flame-broiled, not fried.

    Every April 15th, Chuck Norris sends the IRS a picture of himself, mid-roundhouse kick. He has never had to pay taxes, ever.

    Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

    In the world of the Internet, one year counts as retro enough for Retrospace. Dig it.

  3. I use my total gym everyday.

  4. Nice. Chuck Norris rules!