Vintage Gams #5: Babes & Bark

Consider this a Part II to the Hotties and Heating Units post.  This time, instead of radiators and space heaters, we've got The Mighty Oak and The Larch.... and of course a set of gams in there somewhere.  As before, many of these pictures come from that venerable old British magazine Spic & Span.

Perhaps not all of the pics have a tree per se.  However, "Babes & Bark" had a nice ring to it.  I was temped to go with Bucolic Babes, but thought better of it.  "Agrarian Gams" was also a contender.

One thing your bound to pick up on: these girls are not exactly wearing clothing suited for a nature hike.  But then, Dames & Dungarees doesn't sound very erotic.  Neither does Chicks & Cargo Pants.

A tad disturbing to think that these women are now senior citizens (if even alive).  This is somebody's grandmother.

Taken only moments before the tragedy.  The wall collapsed and Melinda slid backwards on the ladder two hundred feet to the rocky shore below.  

She is emerging from this old tree rather suspiciously- what's going on here?..... Those damn Keebler Elves are at it again, stealing our women!

"Oh, Heavens! I've been snagged by this barbed wire fence.  I so hope nobody sees!"  Why is it that the accidental underwear preview was so prevalent in erotic art back then? Art Frahm made a career out of it.

The text below is from the accompanying Spic & Span "article" to the picture above.  Cheesy and nonsensical, but here it is anyway...

So having chopped the tree down LINDA DEANE sawed 11 up, and a Women's Lib public relatíons offíccr came along, clapped her on the back and said that would show men they couldn't keep women out of the loggíng business any more.

Linda said she wasn't all that keen to actually make a career of it. The Women's Lib P.R.O. said thal kind of outlook was a lot of nonsense and gave Linda an address in the Canadian backwoods. Linda was to catch the next ship from Liverpool and take her chopper with her.

'My chopper IS six feet tall and answers to the name of Butch," said Lmda, "and if you don't stop trying to Shanghai me I'll call him and his flve brothers. You don't want your head sawn off. do you ?"

"Traitor," said the P.R.O. and went on her way in a bit of a hurry.

Other potential post titles: Rustic Randiness, Pastoral Pantyhose, Gams & Greenery, Foxes & Foliage..... Babes & Bush could be misinterpreted.

So that's how Crop Circles are made!

She's probably discovering chiggers. 

Come for the gams.  Stay for the hair.

Simple mathematics tells us that at least one of the women featured in this post had to have gotten a splinter on the ass.  My vote is this one.

Behold.  The most uncomfortable chair in the world. The Iron Throne is like a Laz-E-Boy recliner compaired to this.

Another splinter candidate.  I wonder how much these women got paid for posing for Spic & Span.  Does anybody know?  They are obviously amateurs - it couldn't have been much.

Trivia:  The Great Wall of China, The Great Barrier Reef and this woman's hair are all visible from space.  

They obviously don't have fire ants in England.  Where I live, this woman would be dead.


Another hopelessly lame "article' from Spic & Span entitled "Sunshine and Cindy"
When you're slogging it in a London office all day the one person you reckon ls pleased about it all is the boss. Witness the nods of approval from the great man as he sees you hammering without pause at your typewriter. All you can think about is escaping to some place where they only play beautiful music and nobody would find a home for a pencil-sharpener, let alone a typewriter. 
So after her week's slog CINDY ROSSELLI bids a fond adios to the concrete jungle of London and takes herself off to find green fields and sunshine. Amid green fields and sunshine even the cows look sweet, their limpid eyes soft with content, their coats mellow with colour. lt stands to reason, therefore, that a pretty typist from the big city looks absolutely rapturous. Cindy certainly does. All she needs to complete her lovely country look is a basket of fresh brown eggs.

Can anybody tell what the hell that thing is in the tree to her right?  I've zoomed in, but can't quite get a handle on it.  My readers always come to the rescue on mysteries like this, so I'm confident you won't let me down.



  1. In the days before Photoshop, some of these shoots must have been fairly chilly in Old Blighty. In particular, the seventh one from the bottom actually makes me wince.

  2. Not my thing.

    1. Understandable. Bark erotica is a niche subject matter. :)

  3. Hard to tell what the mystery item is in the tree. I keep seeing a 3/4 helmet. Could be her skirt and her purse. Could that round thing be an extra heavy-duty cup of her bra?

    I was thinking how lame these really are, and how shameful it would've been to be some meek little British guy who bought one of these at a small shop far from his home and office as not to be found out, and sneak it home to his flat. I mean, any number of British TV shows were more titillating than this and featured actual bare breasts. Or were these like training manuals for adolescent boys?

  4. Always been a fan of the stocking shots. Love them, love them, love them.