Vintage Scan #45: Crap for Christmas - Greenland Studios 1969

I simply couldn't hold on to this 1969 magazine insert until Christmas; it's so chock full of crazy garbage, I had to share immediately.

Just order anything from our fine selection of holiday garbage, and you too could be a winner!

What I'm going to do is show you the two-page scan, then single out a particularly intriguing item...

Ah, but the charming and capricious Ollie the Owl is the least of our worries.  Things get exponentially more tacky and strange from here.

What the hell is this?  I can think of a lot of words to describe this, and "adorable" isn't one of them.

Because clowns aren't scary enough in the dark, we need them to be shooting light from their eyes and mouth.

Possibly the tackiest item ever manufactured.  I wonder if that pincushion ever caused a problem when dialing.

"Concentrate on the flames and envision a fantasy world as flames develop into intriguing, fascinating designs..."

(cough) Give me another hit.

I love that there's a pack of Winstons in this mahogany organizer.

Back in the days of cheap guilt-free ivory.

"Be the hit of the office Christmas party"  - this actually would be a big hit today, but it would be worn ironically (like those tacky Christmas sweaters).  Alas, the days wearing cheesy, tacky clothing with no sense of hipster self-awareness are long gone.

A woman who wears mini colonial lamp-posts is indeed "a woman of mystery".

Just imagine the look on your guests' faces when you pluck off the plastic flowers and lay them down as coasters!  You'll be the talk of the town.

No home should be without a set of asparagus dishes.

Anyone have memories of girls wearing Sea Monkey necklaces in 1970?  Yeah, me neither - although, I probably would have thought it was incredibly cool.

A "digital" wrist watch.

And who wouldn't want a key fob that plays the "Dr. Zhivago" theme?

Yes, the fake dead chicken has "a thousand uses"... and, I'm sorry, but not one of them is remotely funny. Why the plucked chicken corpse was such a riot back in the day is beyond me.

This is actually pretty cool.

I was interested to see what credit cards are sitting in this 1969 billfold.

I don't know if I'd want to wipe with red dye, but maybe that's just me.

Yuck.  That moon bank looks like it was plucked from the mushroom garden.

I've got to say, as tacky as some of this stuff is, my grandparents would have thought they were the 'cat's meow'.  I can just see gramps pouring his gin from this decanter with particular joy.

If she's that cold, I suggest she not go with something sleeveless.

I picture June slaving away at her ironing as she waves goodbye to Ward off to work... then, quickly transforming her ironing board into a bar and slogging back a drink.

And you thought the Fitbit and its ilk were new?

"Watch him get moving without nagging or coaxing".  I love it.

Dear God.  A post in the near future on ridiculous exercise products is a must.

What in the ever-lovin' hell?  "Flesh color, inflatable, blushingly realistic... Now with bright pink panties, too".  Words fail me.

Okay, I can't go on.  Is this catalog almost through?  I've reached my limit.

Okay last page.  I hope you enjoyed.  We'll leave you with a delightful wall hanging, perfect for any home - a cock fight.


  1. Growing up, we had pine cones that were treated to make the fireplace flames a different color. It was pretty cool for the time, but they lasted only as long as the pine cone did.

  2. Holy Flashback! My grandma got me one of those clown-face flashlights (to go along with the Patootie clown-doll my mom got me for my 7th birthday) in 1969. Sure was great seeing that again!

    Also, it was around this time my mom got one of those 'swivel things'--a square of compressed board that sat on top of ball bearings, it was noisy as hell but us kids were on it all the time doing the Twist :)

    1. I was born in '69, and I had the clown and the jack-o-lantern facelights. Mine were NOT as big as advertised here.

  3. This reminds me of catalogs from Lillian Vernon, Harriet Carter, or Walter Drake my mom always got in the mail when I was a kid. I always wanted to get one of those monogrammed, brass gum holders, that could hold 5-6 sticks of gum.

  4. I can't imagine that people who write copy for those types of catalogs actually admit to it. I just can't see some guy at a cocktail party saying, "'Keep that schnozzle warm"? Yep, that was all mine!" And speaking of schnozzle warmers, thanks for my new Facebook profile picture.

  5. The "Computer Teacher" looks to be the classic "Think-a-Tron", a heavily promoted toy I briefly coveted before the commercials stopped. Wondering if this was a knock-off or the original being cleared from a warehouse.

  6. Retro HoundMarch 25, 2016

    This is fantastic. Just, wow, fantastic.

  7. Wow!! That is an amazing catalog! Thanks for posting it!

  8. Two other items that strike me as particularly tacky... The "cause and cure" beer and Alka Seltzer pillows, and the wine bottle candelabra. (My grandparents would have loved the stuff in this catalog, though. Especially if they could have gotten some of these goodies by cashing in those redeemable cigarette coupons). Quick question: how is Grandma's Fork from the Good Old Days any different from a regular fork? Would it really make a difference in food preparation?

  9. I beg to differ with the premise that a fake dead chicken is never even remotely funny.


  10. "Flashback Heck !"
    It looks like you just wen through my mailbox and took this month's Harriet Carter cataloger.

    Amazing that the layout is identical. 45 years later and they still use the same page composition ?

  11. The gold standard for tacky treasures.

  12. P.S.

    In tiny print do I detect Crap Industries, Inc.?

  13. Granma catalogs! Absolutely wonderful! Did anyone here NOT have a grandma or other older female relative that did not have something from these kinds of homely kitch catalogs around the house? This was how retirees spend some of their monthly mad money, back in the day.
    As an added bonus, I love wrapping my eyes around all those groovy fonts on the cover. What variety!